Government delays universal credit rollout until after it has f**ked up everything else

THE government has postponed the rollout of universal credit until it can be lost among all of its other upcoming serious fuck-ups. 

Work and pensions secretary Esther McVey, who will probably resign before Friday, announced the delay to bring universal credit into line with other scheduled disasters. 

She continued: “If we rolled out this absolute twatting catastrophe of a policy next year, while we’re just about clinging to a Brexit transition deal, the public might notice. 

“Wait until 2021 however, when we’re reeling from no-deal Brexit, mass unemployment, the collapse of public services, a resurgent IRA and war with Spain over Gibraltar, and it’ll just be one more blow in a flurry of them. 

“The Conservative party is committed to deliver the biggest clusterfuck this country has ever seen and universal credit has a key role to play in that. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.” 

The prime minister then spoke to the Commons to reel off a load of nonsense which was not her inevitable resignation or the announcement of a general election, which is the same thing.