Government delays universal credit rollout until after it has f**ked up everything else

THE government has postponed the rollout of universal credit until it can be lost among all of its other upcoming serious fuck-ups. 

Work and pensions secretary Esther McVey, who will probably resign before Friday, announced the delay to bring universal credit into line with other scheduled disasters. 

She continued: “If we rolled out this absolute twatting catastrophe of a policy next year, while we’re just about clinging to a Brexit transition deal, the public might notice. 

“Wait until 2021 however, when we’re reeling from no-deal Brexit, mass unemployment, the collapse of public services, a resurgent IRA and war with Spain over Gibraltar, and it’ll just be one more blow in a flurry of them. 

“The Conservative party is committed to deliver the biggest clusterfuck this country has ever seen and universal credit has a key role to play in that. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.” 

The prime minister then spoke to the Commons to reel off a load of nonsense which was not her inevitable resignation or the announcement of a general election, which is the same thing. 

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Absolute weirdo wants to spend time with colleagues outside of work

A COMPLETE oddball wants to see his colleagues even when he is not being paid to do so, it has emerged. 

Account manager Wayne Hayes, who already spends a minimum of 40 hours a week with his co-workers, apparently sincerely enjoys their company outside of working hours.

Colleague Emma Bradford said: “I’m so sick of everyone in the office that it takes the whole weekend to shake off my semi-murderous impulses towards them. 

“But for some reason Wayne gets to Friday and, instead of running the hell away to spend time with people whose company he’s actually chosen, wants to see who’s up for a quick pint.

“It’s not a particularly social work culture and these aren’t mandatory events, so I have no idea what his deal is. He’s almost definitely a serial killer.”

Wayne Hayes said: “Why has nobody responded to my murder mystery evening invitation? Maybe they’re all too busy planning their costumes. I’ll send a reminder.”