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You are now obligated to give this man your earnest thanks

THANKS to his part in securing the Gaza peace deal, it is now your unavoidable duty to offer your sincere gratitude to this man.

Despite him being a convicted felon who is named in the Epstein files, the deal between Israel and Hamas means you must drop to your knees and say a tearful ‘thank you’ to Donald Trump.

Former Trump hater Martin Bishop said: “It goes against everything I’ve felt about him for the best part of a decade. But, with great reluctance, credit where credit’s due, I guess.

“I didn’t thank him for that comment he made about grabbing women by the pussy. Why would I? The same goes for his dumb tariffs and inciting violence against liberals. Because he’s an incredibly bad person.

“He’s really checkmated us all this time though. Thanking Trump might look as if we condone America’s descent into fascism. But not thanking him would look like we endorse the ongoing death of innocent civilians. Well played, sir.

“Even the history books will be strong-armed into thanking him. It’ll be chapter after chapter of his relentless bullshit and stupid policies, then a swift about turn when it gets to today’s date.

“Unless of course Trump secured a shoddy deal that Israel will immediately ignore. I’m sure that won’t happen though.”

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Teaching Marxism to eight-year-olds: A primary teacher explains how

HELLO, I’m Miss Traherne. I’ve written it on the whiteboard for you. Today we’ll be learning about the inevitable downfall of the ruling class, like Mr Farage says.

Now Kayden, can you tell me who owns that table in front of you? Is it yours? No, it isn’t is it, otherwise you’d have to take it home with you every night. Could you carry that? No.

Is it Elsa’s table? No, it isn’t. It isn’t any of yours. It’s shared by all of you because it belongs to the state, which provides it for the greater good. It’s everyone’s table!

Just like it’s everyone’s chairs, and everyone’s whiteboard, and everyone’s crayons. No that doesn’t mean you can take crayons home, Kaylee. You’ve misunderstood and are acting like a capitalist needing re-education in a gulag.

Now, wouldn’t it be better if the state provided everything? Everything would be free to play like Fortnite but other players wouldn’t be able to buy all the K-Pop Demon Hunters skins while you’ve only got an outdated Neymar one. Wouldn’t that be fairer?

That’s what a wonderful man called Karl Marx taught: fairness. And that’s what we all strive for here because in a fair world, everyone can do what they like. No you can’t go to the toilet whenever you want Ruby, that’s anarchism and completely different.

Now not everyone is a Marxist. One of those men is Mister Farage, who you must never vote for. I shall be assigning homework about that to make sure it goes in. Colour in this picture in a way that shows you hate him.

There we are, that’s our lesson all about Marxism! This afternoon is maths, in which we’ll learn that Reform’s figures don’t add up but nice Green Mister Polanski’s don’t have to.

Okay, playtime! Remember, play equipment is assigned from each according to his ability and to each according to his needs! No pushing Willow. We don’t want to give you another show trial.

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