A RYANAIR jet came within six minutes of running out of fuel, it has emerged. So what extra charges might you face if one of their flights turns into an aviation disaster?
Life raft, £40
If you ditch in the sea you’ll be wanting to make use of one of the plane’s life rafts. And £40 for not drowning and being dead forever is a great deal compared to an unexpected £55 check-in fee at the airport because you didn’t do it online.
Rescue team, £5,500
It’s incredibly expensive sending out search and rescue teams in helicopters to look for crash survivors, and Ryanair needs to make a profit on top of that, so you’ll have to pay accordingly. Although you’re bound to be annoyed if you were only flying in the first place because you’d snapped up a bargain £28 return to Malaga.
Emergency flare, £35
Whether you’re bobbing around in the North Sea or stuck on a mountainside, setting off flares could alert rescuers. But they aren’t cheap, so maybe try climbing down that icy Alpine rock face in pitch darkness before you decide to go over your holiday budget?
Entering a rift in the space-time continuum, £55
Paranormal types often claim missing planes have experienced a time-slip or entered a tear in the fabric of reality. You could argue this costs Ryanair nothing, but you’re still making use of their plane as you tumble helplessly into the Jurassic period or World War II and are shot down by Japanese Zeros.
Oxygen, £12.50
You might think it’s morally wrong to charge suffocating people for oxygen if the plane depressurises, but it’s the only way Ryanair can offer such cheap flights in the first place. You just don’t understand their business model.
Using a fire extinguisher, £80
If there’s a fire in the cabin your first instinct will be to grab a fire extinguisher. These cost a bomb to replace, so hold off removing the pin until you’re sure the fire won’t just go out by itself. Don’t let other screaming passengers take the extinguisher off you. They’re probably just trying to impress everyone by flashing their cash around.
Alien abduction, £15
A popular theory surrounding the missing Malaysian Airways Flight 370 is that extraterrestrials were involved, so look out for UFOs. Even Ryanair can’t justify charging you for Greys subjecting you to an anal probe, but there will be some wear and tear on the airliner from being sucked up in their tractor beam. £15 seems reasonable.
Eating a fellow passenger, £7.50
The 1972 Andes crash survivors famously had to resort to cannibalism. Eating another human being is one of the most agonising moral choices anyone could face, especially if you have to kill them first, but technically Ryanair have provided you with a meal, so it’s the same as a beef lasagne, £7.50.
