'You do realise we're all in France?' say teachers

TEACHERS have reminded the government that they are all in France, will need to quarantine for 14 days and school starting in September is completely f**ked. 

The new quarantine rules imposed on France mean that 90 per cent of Britain’s educators will be self-isolating until the middle of next month, resulting in schools having to open with class sizes of 150-300. 

Secondary school teacher Joanna Kramer said: “Well I’m sorry. But it’s not as if we make a secret of it. 

“The job’s shit but we get long holidays so as soon as term ends we load up our Volvos and drive to the Dordogne for six weeks in a gîte drinking red wine and eating malodorous cheeses. That’s what being a teacher is all about. 

“Certainly I could give up the last two weeks of my paid-for accommodation, load the car, scramble up to Calais and pay over the odds for Le Shuttle home, just so I can be back for the first day of term. 

“Or – and I think this is more likely – I could say ‘f**k that’, carry on with my holiday, arrive back as scheduled and have an extra fortnight off. 

“You’ve spent three months calling me a lazy, shirking bastard after all. So I wouldn’t want to let you down.” 

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Public reminded not to leave goths in hot cars

THE public has been reminded they should never leave goths alone in a car on a hot day because it can be fatal.

Goth expert Dr Helen Archer warned that pale-faced gloomsters risk overheating even if you park in the shade and leave the window open a crack to let a cool breeze in.

Archer said: “This is the most dangerous time of the year for melancholic weirdos who stubbornly wear ball gowns and cloaks in 30 degrees heat, and cars only compound their suffering.

“Vehicles quickly become as hot as ovens and before you know it goths will be sweating off their makeup, which will make them properly sad instead of just pretend sad.

“You might think you’re doing the right thing by leaving them to wallow in their pain and torment in the back seat with a Siouxsie and the Banshees CD, but you’d be better off taking them for a walk around a crypt or a haunted castle.

“I’d also recommend keeping a pewter chalice filled with cool Ribena on your person too. If they’re reluctant to drink it say it’s blood and watch them down every last drop.”

Goth Wayne Obsidian-Ribcage said: “Thanks to Helen’s advice thousands of goths will lead long and happy lives thinking about death.”