Seven universities to avoid in clearing, by former students

GOT bad A-level grades because the Tories need to teach Zoomers like you a harsh lesson? You’re going through clearing. But first heed the words of these alumni.

Tom Booker, Royal Holloway University of London

It’s not really in London. They keep that f**king quiet. It’s miles out, but the accommodation still costs a bomb, and real London students won’t hang out with you. They laugh at you when you have to leave clubs to get the night bus.

Donna Sheridan, University of Lancaster

You might be fooled by the prospectus boasting about how close it is to the Lancashire coast and the Lake District. They don’t mention the whole university’s a brutalist concrete structure resembling a multistorey car park with dodgy drainage. Dreaming spires it ain’t. 

Steve Malley, University of Leeds

If posh twats can’t get into Oxbridge, Durham, St Andrews or Exeter, they come here and ruin everything with their braying voices. None of them will talk to you. All I learned was the importance of class war. 

Jordan Gardner, University of Nottingham

We’re not students, we’re prey. Nottingham’s nice but our role is to get mugged and burgled for three years straight. One burglar woke me up to complain that I hadn’t got anything worth nicking. I explained I’d been burgled three times already that term and he called me a wanker. 

Hannah Tomlinson, De Montfort University

Nobody wants to come here. That’s the truth of it. We’re the second best university in Leicester. Even students at Loughborough look down on us. With De Montfort on your CV a life of mediocrity is your destiny. And I’m a massive optimist.

Lucy Parry, The Online University of Achievement and Aspiration

Honestly I’m not even sure this is a university. They take your money but there’s no campus, no lectures, no seminars and no coursework. A third year says they call just before graduation and you can choose a degree in any subject you want. It’s f**king great. 

James Bates, University of Hull

If you’re considering Hull then you haven’t got any other options. Everywhere else has turned you down and it’s your only hope. The bitter, contempt-ridden racist Philip Larkin used to be our librarian though. Now I think about it, that’s probably not a selling point.

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Woman who used her savings to buy a house thinks she's poor now

A WOMAN who used her immense savings to purchase a house is now under the impression that she is living in poverty.

Emma Bradford came to the conclusion that she was poor while checking her bank account from the comfort of one of the many rooms she now owns.

Bradford said: “The other day I was flush with cash, and now all I’ve got to show for it is a roof over my head. What gives?

“I feel as poor as a Dickensian family all crammed into a single tiny room. The only difference is that all of mine are massive and I live by myself. Plus I’ve got BritBox.

“Everyone says I’ll be making a huge saving compared to renting, but it doesn’t feel like that right now. I’ve barely got two pennies to rub together until I get paid again in a few days.”

Stepping from her en suite master bedroom onto her balcony, Bradford added: “I think my phone’s buggered too. Whenever I tell friends who don’t own their own home about my destitution I hear a strange noise like teeth grinding. That’ll cost a few quid to fix.

“Maybe I should rent out this place at an exorbitant price and use the profits to buy another house. I’ve heard that’s what people do and it seems to be brilliant for everyone involved.”