Zeus not keen to confront Merkel

GREEK king of the gods Zeus has warned his mortal subjects that he is not up for any sort of confrontation with Angela Merkel.

After the country voted a resounding yes to no, the leader of its pantheon of mountain-dwelling immortals said that Greece was on its own when it came to fending off the German leader.

Zeus said: “I’ve already done what I could with Merkel, turning into a swan and then flying through her open bedroom window with plans for a bit of seduction.

“Turns out that she sleeps surrounded by massive German dogs, the black and brown ones with heads like anvils. They are trained to attack testicles first, then the throat, or so I discovered.”

Angela Merkel said: “Nobody gets past Kaiser and Dustin, least of all a massive horny swan. I know all about you Greeks and your supernatural ways.

“You can release the kraken if you want. I shit your kraken.”

Zeus added: “There’s something unearthly about that woman, sorry but if she comes for the money then I’m staying up here, playing chess.”

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BBC ordered to refer to Terminator as T-800

THE government has told the BBC not to prejudice the public by referring to the T-800 as the Terminator.

The time-travelling robot has registered an official complaint, backed by more than 60,000 Daily Mail readers after a column by Peter Hitchens, about the broadcaster’s use of a disliked nickname.

Culture secretary Ed Vaizey said: “This is a perfect example of BBC bias, using a discredited, outdated tag to turn opinions against the work this tireless servant is doing for Skynet.

“Also, as a broadcaster with a duty to inform, they really ought to distinguish between the T-800, the rubber-skinned T-600 shape-shifting T-1000 and the T-X models. I mean that’s basic news reporting.”

The BBC has offered a full apology and right of reply to the T-800, who will appear on Monday’s Today to debate the rights and wrongs of changing the future with John Humphrys and guest Sarah Connor.