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13 incredibly f**king inconvenient times your children urgently need you

KIDS been quiet for five minutes? Cause a massive childcare emergency by attempting to do one of these simple things: 

Go to the toilet. The moment you’re poised to void you’ll hear a scream outside which turns out to be spilt glitter.

Pour yourself a nice cup of coffee. Take one sip then be called to come and wipe an arse.

Make a really, really important phone call. Guarantees a three-year-old will desperately need a drink/snack/plaster.

Log onto Zoom. A child climbing on the bed and pulling a moon would’ve gone hilariously viral 18 months ago. Now you get a verbal warning.

Attempt to actually bloody cook instead of sticking pizzas in. The explosion of a two-litre bottle of Coke dropped by a 12-year-old behind you will ruin everything.

Ever wondered why parents live in filth? Because every time they start cleaning, some tiny bastard will spill a drink, break a bowl or piss in a shoe.

Tuck into some of your secret chocolate stash, only to hear the haunting cry ‘Mum, the goldfish is out of his bowl’.

Put a film on. Immediately a snack is required, a fistfight has broken out over Lego and the toddler has stuck a grape up her nose.

Unwind and slip into a nice hot bath, and instantly a child will take a crap in the toilet next to you. Even though you have a downstairs toilet.

Pour a glass of chilled wine. Sip, close your eyes, relax, open them to the sight of a child bent double asking ‘Mum, is my bum red? It’s sore.’

The exact moment your head hits the pillow at night sends out a signal to kids that says, ‘I am available to tend to your needs now’.

Attempt sex. Child will begin nightmare within 45 seconds.

Do anything that is not boring drudgery at any f**king point of the day or night. Invites and triggers disaster.

Prince William wears polo shirt to cover up neck tattoos

PRINCE William has admitted wearing a polo shirt to his Earthshot awards to cover up his six new ill-advised neck tattoos. 

The Duke of Cambridge, who a sycopantic media compared to James Bond even though he looked a dick, confessed he only put on the unfashionable item to cover his ink.

He said: “Harry was taunting me by text listing all the things he can do – star in movies, live in California, have affairs with non-horsey girls – and it was pissing me off.

“One of the things was tattoos, and he’s wrong about that because great-grandad had them and he was King so I thought ‘f**k you’, drank some cognac and got myself a neckful.

“I’ve got the kids’ names obviously, and there’s three of them so that takes some room, then I thought I’d better get granny on there in case she kicks off, so the artist copied that off money.

“Then for the other side I went for something more personal, so I got the Linkin Park logo and that famous bum shot of Gail Porter. It’s a fantastic likeness but apparently I should have run it past the wife first.

“I look great, like a Love Island contestant, but Kate made me put on the old Steve Jobs. Weird. She was fine with the Prince Albert.”