22 New Year resolutions that show you've hit a new low

WAS 2023 somehow, for you personally, the worst year of the decade so far? Have you resolved to turn things around? Are these your hopeless resolutions for 2024? 

Find new dealer (coke)

Find new dealer (weed)

Try to find address of estranged child with aim to renew acquaintance – written on Bargain Booze receipt? (THINK!)

Send mother 60th birthday present for last June

Unblock and clean toilet

Unblock and clean sink

Stop pissing in sink

Stop eating from bin when others are around

Try a second vegetable

Do not call number in phone under NEVER EVER CALL HER

No more than 12 hours binge-watching per day

No more than eight hours binge-watching per day (hardcore)

Set an hourly masturbation limit and stick to it!

Open curtains during daylight

Accept crisps are not breakfast, even in a bowl

Admit failure of pubic dreadlock experiment (nb, inform Bob Marley estate)

Start flipping the mattress every time you piss the bed, not just at weekends

Change Tinder bio from ‘worthless, ruined f**kboi’ because honesty is not always the best policy

Write CV. Using that one you found on the library photocopier isn’t working out long-term

Shoplift higher-value goods

End imaginary sado-masochistic relationship with the DuoLingo owl

Seize at least one day

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Woman getting ready for New Year's Eve party won't be done by midnight

A WOMAN getting ready to go to a New Year’s Eve party is looking increasingly unlikely to be finished before midnight.

Emma Bradford swore that she would be ‘an hour tops’ when she got out of the shower at 7pm, but by 11.30pm was still pissing about with different outfits and make-up.

Bradford said: “It’s important I get everything just right. I put on the new black dress I made Tom buy me for Christmas, but then two of the girls put pics up on Insta and they were wearing black too. I’m hardly going to make an impression in that now. It’ll look more like a wake than a party.

“So I tried my red dress on but decided it looked at bit tarty. White? Too prudish and virginal. I could have worn the green one, but I wore that on Christmas Day and everyone will have seen the pictures.

“In the end I chose the navy blue, which obviously meant taking off all my make-up and starting again. Luckily it doesn’t matter if we’re late – it’s a party after all and no one has work tomorrow, so it’s bound to go on until the early hours.”

Bradford’s boyfriend Tom Booker said: “I’m not arsed if we don’t make it, to be honest. The last thing I want to do is spend my New Year with Emma’s shitty friends.

“I’m halfway through a 12-pack of Stella while I’m sat waiting, so I’m more than happy not to go anywhere now I’m this pissed.”

Party hostess Nikki Hollis said: “I’m just hoping Emma doesn’t rock up at 1am when I’m trying to get everyone to f**k off home, like she did last year.”