Couple still holding out for extravagant celebrity party with free bar

A COUPLE have refused to make any New Year’s Eve plans in the hope that they will be invited to a fabulous, star-studded party.

Emma Bradford and Tom Logan have turned down multiple invitations from friends and family, seeming to think they will miraculously find themselves on the guest list of a party filled with rock stars and models, despite not knowing any and living in Leicester.

Bradford said: “We know we’re leaving it late, but we’re really hoping to get something along the lines of an exclusive members-only London nightclub with cage dancers, a champagne fountain and a f**kton of drugs served up on a platter.

“I’m hardly going to waste New Year’s Eve on loved ones, who I can see any time. And who we’re already bloody sick of because Christmas was only last week.”

The couple have yet to receive the all-important invitation but refuse to give up hope.

Bradford added: “The best we’ve had so far is karaoke at the pub down the road. But I can’t see any celebrities turning up there unless their car breaks down. And what would Jude Law be doing in Oadby?

“If nothing comes up I guess we’ll just sit on the sofa and watch the fireworks with a glass of Cava then go straight to bed. That’s what we’ve done for the last five years.”

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Shit local pub believes itself worthy of ticket-only New Year's Eve

A CRAPPY little local pub has decided that it costs £10 even to pass through its hallowed doors becase it is New Year’s Eve.  

The premises of The Albert has transformed itself into an exclusive, all-ticket affair for one night only, on the basis of a dozen 2024 balloons taped to the walls, a DJ and an all-Iceland buffet.

Landlord Martin Bishop said: “The cover charge keeps out the riff-raff, by which I mean anyone who doesn’t drink here every night of the year already and hasn’t got a tenner.

“If you’re baulking at the price like Shank Alan is, it’s not just any old night. That includes a pie and chips, cold buffet and we’ve got specials on: flat Coors is £2.50 a pint and there’s prosecco served in a glass with three different shades of lipstick on the rim.

“Ken’s doing security, because he’s got his own hi-viz and previous for wounding with intent. There’s a meat raffle, a DJ, a Stevie Nicks tribute, karaoke after midnight, a lock-in and a fight. That’s your f**king money’s worth right there.”

Local resident Tom Logan said: “Yeah, you might get cornered by a horny 58-year-old great-grandmother during the happy hardcore remix of Auld Lang Syne at midnight, but that’s the risk you take.

“No regrets about last year’s tenner. Admittedly I did get smashed on the back of a head with a pool cue, but I was out of hospital within the week and they’d had a whip-round for me.”