42-year-old man wrongly thinks he can still have 'massive weekends'

A MAN is desperately clinging to the belief that he enjoys spending the whole weekend binge drinking.

Stephen Malley, who now has hangovers lasting several days, claims he loves a ‘proper bender’ even though he spends the rest of the week quietly weeping in the toilets at work.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Steve thinks there’s some manly honour in getting so shitfaced every weekend that he wants to die from the moment he stops drinking on Sunday until he starts again on Friday.

“The problem is he can’t handle it anymore and is usually so red-faced and shaky by Saturday afternoon that he looks more like he’s having a heart attack than ‘top bantz with the lads’.

“I’ve told him there’s no shame in having three pints then going home and nodding off in front of Dave but that just makes him buy a round of Jägerbombs.

“Then he usually vomits copiously in the gutter, makes a disastrous phone call to his ex and looks as though he could pass out at any moment.”

Malley said: “I just don’t want the good times to end.”

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Brexiter watching Britain 'take back control' from luxury mansion in France

A LEADING Brexiter feels the unfolding chaos of Brexit is going well from the vantage point of his massive house in France.

Denys Finch Hatton, head of the ‘Make Britain British Again’ group, is monitoring the progress of Brexit from his estate near La Rochelle where he is living on the advice of his accountant.

Finch Hatton said: “It’s heartening to see the brave citizens of Hartlepool, Swansea and Sunderland stand firm and tell the liberal elite where to stick their jobs.

“It’s vital we have the hardest possible Brexit. Anything else would be a disgusting sell-out. Excuse me, I just have to finish my duck confit and Dauphinoise potatoes.”

Finch Hatton admitted he had agonised for weeks over how to vote in the referendum before realising he would still be very rich whatever happened.

He said: “I wish I could join my fellow countrymen, queuing cheerfully in 30-mile tailbacks for essential supplies at Dover and singing Vera Lynn songs with the old Blitz spirit.

“However once we’ve actually left I’m worried they might turn nasty and steal my incredibly expensive trousers to buy food.”