Pub trivia team realise they could have had happy lives

A PUB quiz team has realised they could have had normal, successful lives if they had not immersed themselves in pointless trivia.

Tom Logan and his three friends reached the conclusion as they shared prize money of £22 after a quiz in a grotty pub that took three hours to drive to at their own expense.

Logan said: “At first I was pleased to have secured victory by knowing that Bucks Fizz’s rarely-listened-to final album was called I Hear Talk.

“But then a voice in my head said ‘Was this really worth the six solid months of your life you spent memorising 80s pop trivia in the basement of your mum’s house?’.

“I could have travelled the world, set up my own business – anything. But instead I devoted my life to learning by heart which countries border the Caspian Sea.”

Teammate Roy Hobbs said: “My friends formed relationships, moved upwards in their careers and had wonderful children who they now share a close bond with as adults.

“I know a lot about the Battle of Austerlitz.”

Norman Steele said: “Somehow winning the Wrexham Inter-Regional League Challenge doesn’t make up for being a 52-year-old virgin still in an entry-level clerical job at Network Rail.”

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What to say about someone's new baby if you don't give a shit

TELLING someone their beloved newborn looks like a wrinkled ball sack or Iain Duncan Smith tends not to go down too well. Here are some things to say instead.

‘Hasn’t she got tiny fingernails?’

In any other context this question would be considered embarrassingly trite but new parents will be so out of their minds with tiredness it will be received as a great wisdom.

‘He’s a big one, isn’t he?’

What you’re really thinking is ‘Christ, how the hell did you force this massive thing out of your privates, you lunatic?’, but don’t actually say that out loud, even though the mother is probably thinking something similar herself.

‘Things are certainly going to be different when she’s growing up’

This inane statement will make you look thoughtful if your new parent friends are a bit dull. However it may spark a rambling conversation about The Future which will be more interesting than more stuff about bloody baby food.

‘He doesn’t look much like you’

This comment will demonstrate that you have spent a polite amount of time looking at the baby, and also create some potentially entertaining conflict around its paternity.

‘If I drop him, will he bounce?’

Both an interesting theoretical proposition and a sure-fire method of having the baby taken away from you instantly.