Attractive woman's moronic opinions really interesting, agree men

A PRETTY woman whose opinions would normally be considered trite or stupid is actually a very deep thinker, male acquaintances agree.

Extremely hot marketing executive Nikki Hollis’ male co-workers feel her odd views are well worth listening to, due to her quirky yet brilliant intellect.  

Colleague Martin Bishop said: “Nikki’s got a unique take on things which I find incredibly refreshing, like when she thought the IMF was called the Incredible Money Factory, which is actually a better name if you think about it.

“She’s also put forward fascinating theories about whether cats are a type of otter and that Scotland might invade England if it got independence so it should not. I nodded thoughtfully. 

“Some people find her views hard to get on board with, mainly other women. But every guy in the office thinks she’s an innovative thinker who isn’t appreciated in her own time, much like Einstein.

“What did I last discuss with her? To be honest, I can’t recall but I distinctly remember feeling oddly excited and breathless so it must have been fascinating.”

Hollis is currently discussing whether there are vegetarian sharks with colleague Tom Booker, who has agreed several times that it is a very interesting topic.

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How are you pretending it's OK not to have a pension?

ARE you secretly shitting yourself about not having a pension but want to pretend it’s fine? Here are some great ways to delude yourself.

There’ll be lots of people in the same boat

Tell yourself there’ll be loads of people without pensions so the government is bound to make sure they’re OK. Ignore the fact that you’re more likely to be put in a ‘granny camp’ surrounded by razor wire making cheap socks for Primark.

You can live off your inheritance

This might be the case if you’re a character in a Dickens novel, but in reality your parents are more likely to sell their home to pay for Saga cruises and things old people shouldn’t have, like MacBooks and Viagra-fuelled swinging parties.

Convince yourself you’re a rebel

Keep telling yourself not having a pension is like being Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. You’re a free spirit and The Man ain’t going to make you pay into a pension. 

You’ll be too old to enjoy yourself anyway

Paint the bleakest possible mental picture of retirement, eg. watching Eggheads again in a grim retirement home while eating mashed banana. Don’t dwell on all the ‘silver foxes’ having a high old time in retirement with their sports cars and wine tasting holidays.

Have an improbable last-minute ‘plan’

You can probably do something that will make you rich just in time for retirement such as writing a best-selling novel. Other unlikely schemes might include inventing a ubiquitous product such as Post-it notes or a jet engine powered by tap water.

Note: This plan may unravel as you find yourself aged 64 still stuck on page three of your dire novel about a giant man-eating squid which is basically Jaws but much, much shitter.

Hope that society collapses

Pray that Brexit obliterates the UK economy or there’s a nuclear war so everyone is equally fucked. As you cook squirrel stew in a filthy dustbin lid at least you didn’t waste money on a boring pension back in ‘the Happy Times’.