Are you tough enough to be a member of the armchair SAS?

THE SAS holds an enduring fascination for civilian fantasists reading books about being hard. But could you pass the gruelling recruitment process to join their ranks? 

Could you do a 25km march through the Brecon Beacons carrying a 45kg backpack and a heavy rifle?

A) No. Nor would I want to. It sounds shit.
B) No, I get winded going from the sofa to the other side of the room to put Bravo Two Zero in the DVD player.

Do you live with your parents?

A) No, my girlfriend and I have bought a flat.
B) Yes, but it doesn’t matter to me where I live. I could easily sleep in the desert, in a freezing mountain stream or under heavy mortar fire. It’s just that mum does my washing and pays my subscriptions to magazines with Combat and Survival in the title.

How would you kill a man in hand-to-hand combat?

A) I would assiduously avoid any chance of a situation where that could arise. By running off.
B) Either saw through his windpipe with a combat knife, use a mixture of boxing and martial arts, or simply push my thumbs into his brain. I practice the technique on melons.

Which of the following is not an Andy McNab novel: Crisis Four, Aggressor, Kill Mission, Deep Black?

A) Dunno. I tend to read books by people who can actually write, rather than by men in balaclavas.
B) Kill Mission, obviously. That’s not SAS slang. Do you even read the glossaries?

What is the preferred weapon of UK special forces in a battlefield scenario?

A) A gun?
B) The L119A1/A2 variant of the classic M16 assault rifle. Everyone knows that.

Have you ever had sex?

A) I’m no Lothario, but yes.
B) That’s a need-to-know basis sunshine, and you don’t need to f**king know? Alright? Bloody civvies.


Mostly As: You are probably not cut out to be a member of the elite armchair SAS. Watch more SAS films like Who Dares Wins.

Mostly Bs: You have passed the test! Report to your unit by ordering a pizza and sides and watching a History Channel documentary.

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How to redecorate on a budget, by Carrie Symonds

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how: 

Fundraise imaginatively

There’s nothing worse than being trapped in some stuffy old Grade I-listed Georgian mansion that doesn’t reflect who you are as a person without the funds to fix it. But instead of despairing, why not set up a dodgy charity to bankroll your project, paying for donations with political favours? Think of it as levelling up.

Win round your household

You’re the interior designer of the family, but it’s still important to get buy-in from the man in your life. Gently explain how happy it will make you to rip out the fine dining room designed by Sir John Soane in 1826 and replace it with a wet room and sauna, so he’s ready to explain it when it leaks to the press.

Be careful with money

It’s been a tough couple of years for everybody, and your partner may be on less than he’s used to for far more work. So be sparing with his salary and be innovative with public cash instead. Maybe try to track down another World War Two veteran who could raise money for something the government should really be funding itself.

Don’t stint

Insisting on expensive designer wallpaper with 24-carat gold leaf might sound counterintuitive if you’re looking to keep costs down, but think of it as an investment. There’s a good chance it could stay up for eight years no matter what Rishi and Gove think. You deserve it.

Rearrange the furniture

Sometimes just moving old furniture around can create a much more welcoming environment. Try moving chairs against walls to create more space, removing fussy pelmets, firing Dominic Cummings and all his smart-arse mates, or being creative with antimacassars.