A boiling water tap, and other aspirational items that are actually shit

WHY have a kettle cluttering up your kitchen when you could have a boiling water tap that makes a truly dreadful cup of tea? And these minor status symbols are just as bad…

Boiling water tap

Want a lovely hot cup of tea? Tough shit, because there’s a good chance all you’re going to get with an allegedly ‘boiling’ water tap is a tasteless mug of tepid brown water which needs to be microwaved for 40 seconds to be even close to drinkable. After a couple of weeks you’ll buy a £9 kettle from Argos and pretend none of this ever happened.

A Tesla

You’ll feel so cool and sexy in your ruinously expensive new car, until the battery goes flat on the M5 and you have to get the AA to tow you to the nearest service station because they can’t recharge it. On top of that, you’re now forever tainted by association with uber-twat Elon Musk. Maybe you should get one of his robots that can’t walk or pick things up too.

Bifold doors

Aspirational wankers love bifold doors because they can do dickish, nonsensical things like call their kitchen a ‘garden room’. The downside is that they’re a bugger to open because they’re so heavy, a nightmare to clean because there’s so much glass, and the decking outside is constantly littered with stunned birds. Just have walls and a door like normal people, you bellends.

Complicated coffee machine

You love a flat white but instead of going to Costa like everyone else you decide to blow the best part of a grand on a fancy, shiny coffee machine that will look good in your kitchen. Unfortunately it takes ten minutes to brew the coffee and froth the milk, so you quickly return to your jar of instant Kenco and the great taste of burnt socks.

A boat

You imagine yourself floating around in a sunny bay, quaffing champagne and getting a tan. The problem with this, apart from the fact that you have no idea how to sail, is that you live in Birmingham and the nearest stretch of sea is a two-hour drive away. Still, it looks good on your drive, until the local yobs spray paint a cock and balls on the bow, spoiling the effect of the pretentious name you’d given it, eg. Poseidon’s Chariot.

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Nicola Sturgeon hands over power to JK Rowling

FIRST minister Nicola Sturgeon has conceded defeat in the battle for Scottish hearts and minds and handed power to author JK Rowling.

Sturgeon and Rowling have been fighting a proxy war for supremacy north of the border since 2013, and the Harry Potter creator has now assumed unopposed command of Holyrood.

Glaswegian Carolyn Ryan said: “The final blow was the global success of the Hogwarts Legacy game. Sturgeon’s seen those sales figures. She knows it’s over.

“Rowling will run the country from one of her castles, issuing edicts via Twitter. No gender reform, no independence, that nice Keir Starmer but not that nasty Jeremy Corbyn. Who can challenge her now?

“No one’s even heard of any of these Scottish so-called politicians. Rowling’s got Barack Obama in her DMs. Alright she probably can’t solve ferries, the A9, the Scottish NHS or get a second referendum, but nor could Sturgeon.

“As a job, being first minister’s like managing Southampton. You can’t achieve anything and everyone hates you for trying. Rowling’s welcome to it.”

Joanne Rowling responded: “Oh f**k.”