A boring-as-f**k birthday message to my two-year-old who isn't on social media so will never read this

by Eleanor Shaw

HAPPY birthday to my darling boy!  You won’t actually see this because you can’t read and aren’t on social media on account of being a toddler. 

However, I am writing it anyway so everybody knows how much I love you. Please take note of the accompanying album of 730 photos created for family, friends and former work colleagues I haven’t seen for years, to enjoy.

Including pictures of all the expensive and thoughtful presents that you weren’t allowed to open until I’d set up just the right lighting for a cute ‘present opening’ Instagram story.

I know you’ve loved all the quality family time posing for pictures of quality family time, and this year I only had to relight your birthday candles five times until I got the perfect shot of you blowing them out. What a clever boy.

What a wonderful day we’ve had together watching mummy post on social media, then respond to all the comments about the photos and check how many likes they’ve got.

I love you so, so much and will always be here for you my darling, unless I’m updating  Facebook, Twitter or Instagram about how much I love you, in which case piss off and go find the iPad.

#blessed #familytime #theygrowupsofast

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Confused Neanderthals gather around monolith

A GROUP of Neanderthal men milled uneasily around a mysterious monolith that appeared overnight in Parliament Square on Saturday. 

The men stared up in anger and terror at the featureless grey cuboid which they had been attracted to by primitive instinct while uttering gutteral grunts and howls of pain and fear.

Anger about the monolith and terror of an unknown future occasionally caused them to erupt into violence directed at themselves and others, or quasi-religious chanting.

Wayne Hayes of Mansfield said: “Big grey slab. Not there before. Make afraid. Make angry!

“Want freedom! No surrender IRA! Traitors! Won war! Do arm up in air like men won war against. Confused. Blame monolith. Make think funny.

“Make me want pick up tool. Pick up tool and smash! Run riot through city, burn everything, beat enemies!”

“Scuse me. Need piss. Had 11 Stella.”