ARE you an obnoxious middle class prick keen to be superior to your friends? Then take these to their picnic:
Proper deck chairs
While everyone else slums it on blankets on the ground, you’ve brought old-fashioned deck chairs that take ages to put up, allowing you to make a big song and dance about how wonderfully vintage they are. They’re also f**king uncomfortable, but you aren’t going to mention that.
Your friends have turned up with clingfilmed sandwiches, crisps and a pack of Tesco miniature scotch eggs. This gives you a great opportunity to lord it over them by swanning up with a giant picnic basket stuffed with treats from Waitrose that you’ve just blown £60 on. You only use the stupid wicker thing once a year, so you’re going to milk it for all it’s worth.
A wine cooler
‘Just because it’s a picnic, we don’t need to be uncivilised,’ you say loftily as you unpack a wine cooler and proceed to fill it with ice from your cool box. After ten minutes in the sun you’re left with a tin bucket full of warm water and dead wasps, but as least you got that special moment of feeling like a smug prick as you slid your bottle of sauvignon blanc into it earlier.
You’ve severely misjudged the vibe of this picnic and imagined some kind of royal garden party. Instead, your friends were basically inviting you to have some cans of cheap continental lager in the local park. Console yourself that most passers-by won’t be able to tell that it’s warm Stella you’re sipping in your pretentious flutes.
Real cutlery and plates
The majority of people at the picnic are using it as an excuse to get pissed during the day in a park, and the addition of food allows them to feel like they aren’t borderline alcoholics. They’ll make do with a burnt sausage on a napkin while you’re fannying around with knives, forks and china, and they won’t have a load of stuff to cart home and wash up afterwards.