A huge Celtic tattoo, and four other middle-aged regrets

HAVE you reached the age of realising how stupid you were when young? These decisions, made then, have come back to bite you:

Getting a huge Celtic tattoo

When you were 23 it seemed like an excellent idea to go to a tattoo parlour in Magaluf at 3am and have a big Celtic design tattooed on your upper arm. However, now you’re a 47 year-old accountant it just means you can’t take your shirt off on your annual family Center Parcs holiday.

Treating your body like shit for two decades

In your 20s it seemed as if your body could run off instant noodles and continental lager forever. Well, you’re paying for it now. A decade of dietary armageddon has left you visibly aged, prone to illness and with the delusion that necking enough Yakult will magically reverse the damage.

Constantly dying your hair

Dying your hair when you’re younger is a laugh, as every woman and man who has experimented with bleach will know. However, when you reach your forties and your hair has turned into a brittle straw-like substance that shatters when you put a comb through it, you’ll regret not leaving it alone.

Buying an electric guitar or similar

In your 30s, when you were in denial about ageing, you made some massive frivolous purchase. You thought to yourself, ‘No, it’s definitely not too late to start playing guitar, and it definitely won’t seem tragic.’ Well, it turned out that it was and it did. Just be glad you didn’t remortgage your house to buy a Mercedes E-Class.

Having children

You call them the light of your life to anyone who asks, but, deep down, there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t fantasise about how much nicer life would be if you didn’t spend an hour a day scrubbing bodily fluids from your soft furnishings.

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Five side-hustles that will make you an extra 35p a year

LOOKING to earn extra cash? These side-hustles will take up all of your spare time and earn you a negligible amount of money.

Design your own T-shirts

People will wear T-shirts with any old crap on them, which is lucky for you as you’re unimaginative and have no artistic skills. Once you’ve forked out for the T-shirts, printing materials and distribution costs, you can just put your feet up and watch the interest on your eye-watering business loan steadily accumulate.

Projected annual earning: Minus £8,000

Start a podcast

Podcasts are a great way to monetise tediously nerdy conversations that used to be confined to the pub. Got strong opinions about Star Trek Generations? There’s a hungry audience of half a dozen geeks out there who will listen to the first five minutes before finding something more interesting to do, which won’t be difficult.

Projected annual earning: Minus £249 for a fancy microphone.

Self-publish an e-book

Everyone has a book inside them, but in your case that’s exactly where it should stay. If you have to type out your boring thoughts, don’t expect them to be optioned by a film company and turned into a blockbuster franchise. Even if that happens everyone will ridicule your literary achievement, just like the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

Projected annual earning: Potentially millions but realistically zilch.

Create a YouTube channel

You can either create your own carefully edited videos and build an audience over the course of years, or you can simply upload and monetise hilarious clips of Bob Mortimer on Would I Lie To You? The latter might not be honest work, but it will turn you more of a steady profit than anything your brain could think of.

Projected annual earning: 35p and a copyright infringement notice

Do online surveys

Once you’ve done the legwork of finding reputable survey sites and getting scammed by shady ones, you’ll be able to tick boxes online while getting paid less than minimum wage. You could have used this time to learn skills that would land you a great job, and now you’ve got nothing to show for it except RSI.

Projected annual earning: Not even worth calculating