WANT to have a ‘sophisticated’ and therefore utterly joyless middle class Christmas? Try these tips.
Traditional advent calendar
Just because something’s traditional, it’s not necessarily good. Opening a tiny cardboard flap to reveal an even tinier depiction of a Judean shepherd looking at a star or similar nonsense is a dreadful way to start your day. Children expect to start every day in December with some chocolate, so you can piss off with your tasteful pictures.
A minimalist Christmas tree
Instead of a normal, tacky, tinsel and fairy light-covered tree, you spent close to a grand importing a spruce from Norway that’s decorated with 10 plain glass baubles and some Aga-dried blood orange slices strung on natural jute twine. Congratulations, all your children now hate you.
Plain parcel paper
Christmas is mainly for kids, and they like their presents wrapped in the cheapest, gaudiest paper possible because it looks exciting under the tree. They don’t care if you’ve spent £11 a roll on tasteful, high-quality brown parcel paper and hand-tied the luxury velvet ribbons yourself. They’ll rip it off without a second thought, which is exactly what it deserves.
Now your kids are old enough, you’ve suggested homemade presents rather than ‘wasting money’ on things they actually want. Unfortunately Christmas is all about consumerism, and you’ll learn your lesson when you see the disappointment on their faces as they unwrap a poorly knitted scarf and ask when you’re going to learn how to make a PS5.
Choosing your turkey on a farm
In your ruthless quest to feel morally superior to everyone around you, you decide to ethically source your turkey and drive your family to an organic, free-range turkey farm in the Cotswolds to choose one. There’s nothing more festive than serving up the roasted body of an animal your kids picked out because it was cute and telling them to eat it.