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DC vs. Marvel debates, and other things you wish were cool when you were a kid

EMBARRASSING pursuits that used to get you beaten up are now cool. Here’s what you wish was socially acceptable when you were young:

DC vs. Marvel debates

Arguing over which fictional comic book universe is better took up a lot of your time growing up, and coincidentally so did getting bullied and remaining terminally single. In the current age of DC and Marvel cinematic universes though, knowing the difference between Hawkman and Hawkeye would earn you respectful nods of approval. Plus everyone knows Marvel is clearly superior.

Trainspotting

Thanks to the enthusiasm of TikTok railway enthusiast Francis Bourgeois, trainspotting is no longer the preserve of acne-ridden weirdos who were rejected from the Doctor Who Appreciation Society for being too square. Although now it’s attracting Zoomers who reduce the entirety of human experience to insufferable, meme-based content, so perhaps the scene has got worse.

Being a bit too into computers

At the time, spending hours hunched over your BBC Micro trying to program the next Manic Miner was uncool, but these days that sort of technical wizardry would earn you millions. Just think, out of all of human history the usefulness of your nerdy talents was only out by a couple of decades. Or don’t, it’s probably better for your sanity.

Dungeons & Dragons

The tabletop role-playing fad had died down by the time you were the right age for it, meaning you had to make do with secretly playing Fighting Fantasy books cleverly concealed behind an issue of FHM. D&D is currently enjoying a trendy renaissance after being popularised by Stranger Things, but tragically you’re still not cool enough for anyone to ask you to join their game.

Online dating

Admittedly it’s not so much cool now as a grim, soul-destroying slog through the dregs of humanity, but at least it’s somewhat normalised. Back in the day if you told your friends you were looking for a partner online they’d think it was a coded cry for help and this was your way of tipping them off. Actually, maybe things haven’t changed that much.

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If you want any over the next four months cuff up now, Professor Van-Tam advises singles

PROFESSOR Jonathan Van-Tam has advised the UK’s singles that if they want to get any winter action they must cuff up this weekend. 

The deputy chief medical officer yesterday took to his podium with a series of graphs showing decreasing hook-up opportunities as the winter progresses, and forecasting a rate of 0.0005 per cent by the end of December.

He said: “Winter is always a time when the sexual window narrows. But the impact of the Omicron variant has accelerated that process.

“If, as SAGE has recommended, hospitality venues such as pubs, clubs and restaurants close early next week, then I regret anyone not already in the preliminary stages of courtship might as well cut it off.

“Aspiring couples essentially have this weekend to close the deal. Use well-ventilated venues, ignore red flags, wear masks, focus on compatibility in the bedroom, get your booster jabs, and use contraception.

“I cannot stress enough you might not get any cock until April if you do not act now.”

Following Van-Tam’s statement the prime minister told everyone not to cancel parties, that Christmas shags with hometown exes would go ahead as planned, and there would be fanny like there was no tomorrow.

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