MET a bloke for the first time and aren’t sure if he’s going to turn out to be a dickhead? Look for these visual signifiers.
Signet ring on pinky finger
In the olden days, these rings functioned as your signature when pressed on the wax that sealed important documents, signifying power and wealth. Nowadays all they signify is that the wearer is a tacky, flashy bastard who probably also owns a car he’s nicknamed ‘The Beast’. Back away from this obvious wrong ‘un.
Slip-on shoes without socks
A weird and upsetting trend of recent years is men wearing slip-on loafers without socks, often paired with tight chinos or, even worse, skinny jeans. They either look like young Tories, no matter their political affiliation, or such clueless idiots they forgot to wash their socks. Either way, it’s bad.
Highly sculpted facial hair
A bit of neat stubble is fine, as is a nicely trimmed beard, but if a bloke has spent ages sculpting his facial hair into freakishly neat lines, he’s far too obsessed with his appearance and bound to be an egocentric nightmare. Also, if he’s done that to his face, imagine what he’s done to his pubes. Doesn’t bear thinking about.
Mobile phone holster
This guy has got plenty of pockets, so why does he feel the need to keep his mobile in a fussy little holster attached to his belt? Does he think he’s a cowboy? Is he trying to impress strangers, all of whom also have a phone? Or is he the type of bore who loves a bit of ‘kit’ and wants you to comment on it? Whichever one it is, the guy is clearly a bit of a bellend.
Shell necklace
If a man over the age of 19 is wearing a scruffy bit of leather with a shell attached to it round his neck, you can guarantee he’s a chronically lazy dickhead who never got over his gap year. He’ll claim to be a ‘free spirit’, which means he hasn’t got a job, and he lives in a van, which he wants to park outside your house after you’ve known him for five minutes, just so he can use your shower. Avoid like the plague.
Mirrored aviator sunglasses
However hard he wishes, he will never be Tom Cruise in Top Gun or Arnie in Terminator 2, so wearing shades like this singles him out as a try-hard wannabe tough guy before he’s even opened his mouth. And if he doesn’t take them off while indoors, he’s a certified twat and definitely not worth your time. Although you probably guessed this due to him looking like Andrew Tate.
