THINKING of a night out despite being middle aged? Here’s how you will be reminded you are too old for such an activity.
Staying out after midnight
‘The night’s still young!’ you’ll tell yourself at midnight. That may be but you certainly aren’t. You’ll head on to a late bar under the impression you can last until 5am, start to feel drowsy halfway through the next pint then leave. After passing out on the night bus you’ll be woken up in the depot by the driver angrily shaking you.
The days of enjoying a night out on an empty stomach are long behind you. While you used to scream ‘eating’s cheating’ at anyone cowardly enough to soak up alcohol with food, now you secretly wish you could eat a three course meal in between rounds. Instead you’ll graze on crisps which will make f**k all difference and will be puked up in the morning.
Downing a single Jagerbomb
Thinking that you’re still able to handle booze like you did before you had kids, you’ll foolishly order yourself an energy drink with a shot of Jagermeister. Aside from making your mouth feel stickier and more disgusting than the pub’s carpet, you’ll have consumed enough caffeine to guarantee that your feeble, ageing body won’t sleep for the next week.
Going to a club
Eager to relieve the hedonistic nights out of your 20s, you’ll head to a twatty club that sounds like it’s named after a team from The Apprentice. After spending 40 minutes queuing to get into Polaris Aspire, you’ll get a call from the babysitter asking you to come home because your daughter wants you to read them a bedtime story.
Wondering why you’ve woken up the next morning feeling like a tank has driven over you? It’s because you foolishly decided to hit the dance floor for approximately 30 seconds the previous night, before rolling an ankle and putting your back out trying to jump around to Mr Brightside. You’ll be on crutches for the next six months.