A single Jagerbomb, and other ways to ruin a night out in your 40s

THINKING of a night out despite being middle aged? Here’s how you will be reminded you are too old for such an activity.

Staying out after midnight

‘The night’s still young!’ you’ll tell yourself at midnight. That may be but you certainly aren’t. You’ll head on to a late bar under the impression you can last until 5am, start to feel drowsy halfway through the next pint then leave. After passing out on the night bus you’ll be woken up in the depot by the driver angrily shaking you.

Eating incorrectly

The days of enjoying a night out on an empty stomach are long behind you. While you used to scream ‘eating’s cheating’ at anyone cowardly enough to soak up alcohol with food, now you secretly wish you could eat a three course meal in between rounds. Instead you’ll graze on crisps which will make f**k all difference and will be puked up in the morning.

Downing a single Jagerbomb

Thinking that you’re still able to handle booze like you did before you had kids, you’ll foolishly order yourself an energy drink with a shot of Jagermeister. Aside from making your mouth feel stickier and more disgusting than the pub’s carpet, you’ll have consumed enough caffeine to guarantee that your feeble, ageing body won’t sleep for the next week.

Going to a club

Eager to relieve the hedonistic nights out of your 20s, you’ll head to a twatty club that sounds like it’s named after a team from The Apprentice. After spending 40 minutes queuing to get into Polaris Aspire, you’ll get a call from the babysitter asking you to come home because your daughter wants you to read them a bedtime story.


Wondering why you’ve woken up the next morning feeling like a tank has driven over you? It’s because you foolishly decided to hit the dance floor for approximately 30 seconds the previous night, before rolling an ankle and putting your back out trying to jump around to Mr Brightside. You’ll be on crutches for the next six months.

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'Slime' flavour doughnuts: Halloween shit supermarkets will try and foist on you

WANT normal products but in spooky packaging? Supermarkets have got you covered with this Halloween-themed shit:

Scary mix

An extremely low-effort cash-grab which parts you from your money every Halloween. This innovative selection of sweets is the same old Haribo you buy during the rest of the year, only this time the sugary gelatin has been squeezed into a bat-shaped mould instead of a little bear. You will scoff the lot before trick-or-treaters visit then get egged.

‘Slime’ flavour doughnuts

Supermarkets like to give their products creepy nicknames on Halloween, although slime is an accurate description of their cheap doughnut fillings all year round. They taste like a marketing executive running out of ideas, and the only scary thing about them is the chest cramps you’ll get after wolfing down five in 20 minutes.

Orange cupcakes

Once shops realised they didn’t have to decorate their Halloween cupcakes with skulls or cobwebs, they just started topping them with orange icing. You know that orange means Halloween as you push your trolley round the aisles on autopilot and that’s all that matters. You will eat them on the designated day and feel nothing.
Ghost-shaped crumpets

You don’t usually eat crumpets because you’re not a character from a Beatrix Potter book. However these are shaped like ghosts and have scary faces burnt into them, so you’ll mindlessly toss them into your basket. When you go to eat them you’ll wonder who buys this trashy crap, before remembering you live alone and it was your own dumb decision.

Literally just a Twix with a pumpkin on the wrapper

The makers of Twix know they don’t even need to try. This is the regular caramel shortbread chocolate bar you’re familiar with, only with a pumpkin lazily printed on the wrapper to catch your eye. You like to think you’re above such a blatant example of commercialism, but you’re not. Plus you really like eating a Twix.