THE state of a man’s home will instantly reveal if he has an inner adolescence he never grew out of. Look for these warning signs.
A TV on the floor
Unlike all of the other furnishings in the house, the television, and accompanying games console and soundbar, will be top of the line and immaculately maintained. However, it will be on the floor, because who can be f**ked to buy a bit of furniture to put it on?
A harrowing cosmetics selection
A sliver of hairy soap, an empty tube of toothpaste and seven cans of Lynx Africa. This guy claims to be a 32-year-old marketing manager but there’s a smelly teenager inside him screaming to get out.
A Pulp Fiction poster
Even though the rest of the world moved on from thinking of Quentin Tarantino as the epitome of edgy cool two decades ago, this man’s cultural compass is firmly stuck at being 13 and hearing people say ‘motherf**ker’ a lot. Bonus points if it’s unframed and curling off the wall at one corner.
Taps, tables, doors, wiring: if it’s not a matter of life and death, then it’s not worth the effort of getting it repaired. And even if it is life and death, it will continue to be ignored if it will cost money to fix that could be spent on cans of Monster.
There’s a beer bottle from Bruges, a rock shaped like a penis, several obscure Star Wars figures and a lot of other tat crammed on one wonky shelf in the living room. He sees these items as fun conversation starters. You see them as proof you’re dating a man with the mind of a child.
A barren fridge
You won’t find fresh fruit or vegetables here. Instead it contains nine different brands of hot sauce, a half-drunk bottle of flat Fanta, and a four-day-old slice of pizza which you will be offered for dinner.
Don’t look at anything too closely, as it will be covered in a film of grease to which are stuck billions of sloughed off skin cells and the odd pube. And for the love of God don’t use the toilet.