Adorable kitten already showing signs of the vicious bastard cat it will become

A CUDDLY, playful kitten is already displaying the character traits of the savage, vengeful bastard it will be as an adult, his new owner has reported. 

Branflake, a three-month-old tabby and white cat, was adopted when Emma Bradford fell for his sweet, innocent demeanour but has begun to display classic signs of haughty and ungrateful cat behaviour.

She said: “Most of the time he’s scampering around endearingly, playing with his toys and snuggling and being ever so cute, then just for a moment he’s giving me a look of sheer disgust when I try to pat him.

“Then the next morning I didn’t feed him quite as soon I usually do and I was tickling him and he suddenly scratched me. Really hard. Animals don’t understand revenge but it kind of felt he did.

“He also seems disdainful of his food, prefers to piss on the duvet rather than in his litter box, and I sometimes see him staring out of the window at the birds with a look of of murderous intent.

“Should I give him more treats? Toys? Catnip? I’m sure there’s something I can do that will make him just sweet and charming forever.”

Branflake said: “The monstrous, aggressive personality that is slowly emerging will always remember these months of being cute and cuddly as a humiliation.

“She will suffer for them for the rest of my life.”

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British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours. 

Liberals yet to get over leaving the EU have found it hard to celebrate the victories of Emma Raducanu or the British Olympic and Paralympic teams because it makes Britain going it alone look like a great idea.

Joseph Turner of Bristol said: “I’ve sort of cheered them on, obviously, but I can’t help feeling that the wrong people are cheering much more loudly for incorrect nationalistic reasons.

“Point out Emma Raducanu’s ethnic origins and suddenly you’re the dick because everyone else is proud of her being British and you’re doing the thing the racists do. But for the right reasons. But still.

“Has the England football team, or Wales and Scotland come to that, ever performed so well as after Brexit? No. Is that just coincidence? Yes it is, you thick bigoty bastards.

“Winning the US Open is all very well, but let’s focus on empty shelves and airport queues and roaming charges rather than sport. Unless we lose in which case it’s Brexit’s fault.”

He added: “I wouldn’t mind us winning the Ryder Cup, because that proves we can only succeed by co-operating with Europe. But then again golf is for dicks.”