Adrenaline junkie actually attention junkie

A MAN who claims to be hooked on exciting activities is really just addicted to telling people about them.

Despite claiming to be addicted to the thrill of extreme sports, Nathan Muir’s real excitement comes from standing in the centre of a group of people in a bar or at party and going on and on and on about it.

Muir said: “I absolutely love the buzz of stuff like skydiving. Just talking about it, I can feel it again right now – but somehow stronger. Have you ever done it? Actually, it doesn’t matter.

“Did I tell you I did the world’s tallest bungee jump in New Zealand? Look at this picture of me doing it. And this video. And this commemorative t-shirt, which also has the picture on, and this picture of me wearing the t-shirt.”

Muir’s friend Tom Booker said: “Nathan loves extreme stuff, like being extremely irritating on social media. If I have to see another shaky GoPro video I’m going to tell everyone how he shat his pants at Alton Towers in Year 10.”

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Millennials want everything on a plate, says man who didn't pay for university

MILLENNIALS are guilty of wanting everything on a plate, according to a man who did not pay a penny to go to university.

Bill McKay, 54, said: “In my day, if you wanted something you had to pay for it. Unless it was a 2:2 in economics from Newcastle. For some unknown reason those were completely free.”

Continuing as if he genuinely had a point, McKay added: “Now they all moan about tuition fees and loans, but they should try living off a grant.

“When you’re in debt to the tune of £40,000 you’re so fucked you may as well stop worrying about it and just keep spending.

“But when you’ve had your fees paid and on top of that been given a grant of actual money that you don’t have to pay back, the strain of budgeting is unbearable.

“When my generation goes that knowledge and expertise will be gone forever and all the millennials will starve because they’ll have spent all their money ‘streaming’ and on ‘experiences’.”