Johnson and Rees-Mogg still not helping to pick all the fruit

BREXITERS Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are still not helping to pick fruit despite being directly responsible for a chronic shortfall in seasonal farm workers.

Farmer Stephen Malley said: “These two insisted we were going to take back control. Well they can certainly take back control of picking these raspberries.

“I’m not asking them to form a customs union, just a union between this fruit that’s about to rot and the bottom of this bucket.”

Malley has his ‘suspicions’ of what has happened to the seasonal workers from Europe.

“Some are not coming because the fall in the value of the pound, some aren’t coming because of uncertainty over paperwork, but most aren’t coming because in 2016 we told them all to fuck off.

“Three years ago we had people queuing up, but now we’ll even take useless dickbags like Johnson and Rees-Mogg. They would probably try to rip me off anyway, but it’s still better than throwing everything in the bin.”

Malley admitted he had actually voted for Brexit adding: “Don’t get me wrong I believe in British jobs for British people, but picking berries can make your hands quite sore and I just don’t want to do it.”

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Guilt-ridden Brexit bus in self-destructive shame spiral

THE bus used to claim that Brexit would save £350 million a week is caught in a ‘self-destructive spiral of shame’.

Bus Stephen Mallley revealed he did not know what he was getting into and is now filled with self-loathing and cheap wine.

He said: “I was approached by a couple of pervs called Boris and Michael. They said they would pay me a few quid if I wore some big stickers and had my photo taken.

“I didn’t see anything wrong with it at the time, it wasn’t anything saucy.

“On the first day Boris was like ‘you’ve got to wear this’ and I didn’t really think about it so I just put it on.

“I only realised later that he’d asked me to wear an entirely fictitious statistic designed to mislead some gullible fucknuts.”

He added: “I thought the worst that could happen is my mum wouldn’t approve. I didn’t think it would result in the army being on standby in case we run out of food and medicine.”