Are you a dog person, a cat person or someone capable of nuance?

ALL people can be divided into which of two domestic pets they prefer, unless you are someone who is in any way open to subtlety. Which are you? 

Dog person

You love going for walks with a loyal companion whose faeces you collect in crinkly little bags, and hate the idea of a companion not obsessively fixated on your approval that could not survive without you.

There is no way you could never have a pet cat because they don’t leap up when you enter the house, filling the void inside you.

Cat person

You want a pet which is independent, like you are, and seems not to suffer terrible, crushing loneliness because of it, like you want to learn to be.

Having your clothes and possessions covered in fine hairs at all times is fine with you, as is having to buy the affections of an animal with pouches of chicken liver because inside you know you don’t really deserve love.

Person who understands it’s not that simple

Your identity is not based on attachment to a non-verbal furball and you are content to live in a world of uncertainty, variety and change.

By rejecting the pet binary you forge your own path in the world, striding ahead and refusing to be defined by pedestrian choices. You are also someone nobody really knows, trusts or likes.

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New employee blissfully unaware of who she should hate

A NEW employee is enjoying the grace period where she does not yet know who in her office she will despise. 

Emma Bradford has begun a new job as a marketing co-ordinator and has yet to become ensnared in the intricate web of office politics that will dictate her every interaction at work for the next decade. 

She said: “Before long I’ll be co-opted into a friendship group which will dictate when I eat, which TV shows to watch and what I think of every other person I work with. 

“But until then I have this brief window living in a fantasy world where everyone is nice to me without underlying, murderous tensions about who always gets to go to the London conference, the bitch. 

“I’m making the most of it. I flit between different groups, gathering vital information on each, and tomorrow I’m lunching with the guy everyone avoids, just to find out why.” 

Colleague Susan Traherne said: “It’s great to see Clare enjoying chatting to Oliver in accounts because it’s the last time she ever will.”