Are you a toddler? Take our quiz

ALWAYS whinging? Unable to understand basic concepts like ‘bedtime’ and ‘rain’? You might be a toddler. Take our quiz to find out.

What is the first thing you do in the morning?

A) Get up, go to the bathroom and get dressed.

B) Scream.

What’s your ideal lunch?

A) A freshly-made brie, rocket and bacon sandwich.

B) Two bites of whatever food I’m given and then something I found on the floor.

Do you have any hobbies?

A) Yes, hiking, going to the cinema and craft beer.

B) Yes, throwing the Playmobil grandma got me for Christmas at the living room wall and hitting the cat.

Do you consider yourself independent?

A) Yes, I have a job and can pay just about all of my bills.

B) Yes, I can be left alone for a whole two seconds before I start trying to put a fork in the DVD player.

What’s your goal in life?

A) To be happy and relaxed.

B) To ensure that no-one else can be happy or relaxed unless I am asleep.

Mostly As: Unfortunately, you are not a toddler and you’ll have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work. You may also have a toddler, for an extra kick in the teeth.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, you are a toddler. Enjoy it while it lasts. There’s only so long your parents will tolerate you because wearing funny little clothes is cute.

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Prince Andrew and four other bellends who might as well stand for London mayor

WITH the likes of Piers Corbyn, Laurence Fox and Shaun Bailey wanting to be mayor, are there other candidates of a similarly low calibre who could run our capital’s affairs? 

Prince Andrew

Following his entirely accidental association with all of that sordid unfortunateness that close friends didn’t mention to him, Andrew could redeem himself by taking an interest in buses and getting stuck on zip-wires. Slogan: ‘I could be mayor, no sweat!’

Ian Brown

The Mancunian vocalist and anti-lizard, anti-sheeple candidate could stand on a platform of making central London a mad-for-it, mask-free zone and organising a giant rave whose centrepiece was a bonfire of AstraZeneca and Pfizer vaccine doses. Slogan: ‘I wanna be a mayor.’

Danny Dyer

Mr London himself. Whatever was doing his nut in, he’d sort it out by giving it some. Slogan: ‘It’s awl coming over the top, innit? Slags.’

Piers Morgan

Was his melodramatic walkout from GMB a plan to take up a new career in politics? Sadly Piers would only have one policy – hating Meghan Markle. Wouldn’t really be helpful in meetings about transport infrastructure. Slogan: ‘Hands up who likes me and thinks Meghan’s a big fibber?’

Boris Johnson

As part-time prime minister, Alexander Johnson would have time for unfinished London business: converting Waterloo Bridge into a garden bridge, having water cannon on permanent standby and popping round to Jennifer Arcuri’s flat. Slogan: ‘Wha – I, ah, yes, world-beating. Yes! Er. Let’s get London done!’