Friday, 14th May 2021

Six inappropriate ways Britons will be remembering Prince Philip

SOME members of the public take any solemn event as an opportunity to throw good taste out of the window. If you’re doing any of these things to remember Prince Philip, reconsider. 

Building a crap thing in your front garden

For Remembrance Sunday, people built strange cardboard tanks in their driveways. Philip was in the navy, so someone has surely made a crap destroyer out of boxes and called it ‘HMS Phil’. Or quite possibly put out a creepy mannequin of the Duke that scares children.

Leave a baffling tribute 

Leaving flowers is normal and tasteful, so f**k that. Get yourself down to Windsor Castle and leave a giant teddy bear – what Philip would surely have wanted – or something random, like a bobble hat you knitted yourself. 

Bucketloads of Diana-style fake emotion

You can’t genuinely grieve over people you’ve never met, and Philip wasn’t a famous person like Kurt Cobain who articulated the feelings of others. In fact it’s a reasonable assumption that Philip thought feelings were for nancy boys. However, many Brits will not let that stop them acting as if Philip was their best mate. 

A funeral is a fun day out

Confuse a funeral with sightseeing at Windsor Castle or Buckingham Palace, mainly taking pictures of the crowds to put on social media to prove you went. Do a bit of gift shopping, round it off with a Nando’s and a great day has been had by all. Except Philip.

Slagging off Meghan and Harry

Ooh, they’re awful, aren’t they? With their Hollywood lifestyle and no sense of duty. If you find yourself making comments like this then get a f**king life. Obviously this does not apply to Daily Mail columnists, who are free to bitchily nitpick every last detail, eg. ‘Was Meghan texting Harry DURING THE FUNERAL in her PLOT to become QUEEN?’ 

Get out the tat

Now is the time to display your tacky Royal plates and mugs. Maybe stick them in the window with some plastic St George Cross flags? If you’ve got a Union Jack suit complete with waistcoat, like the guy who’s always at Brexit rallies, enjoy wearing it all day even if you look a bit mad.