Monday, 10th May 2021

How to blame a teacher for your child being a horrible little shit

HAVE you inadvertently brought your child up to be a total nightmare? Here’s how to absolve yourself from blame by saying it’s all the fault of their teacher.

Call them lazy

Teachers have been lolling around at home doing f**k all for the best part of the year, which is why little Dexter still can’t do sums. It’s got nothing to do with you interrupting the online lessons every five minutes to say: ‘What’s the point? We’ve got calculators these days.’

Pretend your kid’s home life is perfect

People with horrible kids conveniently forget that they spent the first four years of their lives at home. Accept no blame and fondly imagine your child’s early years were like something out of The Famous Five while you’re slagging off their teacher at the school gates.

Conveniently forget about all that key worker stuff 

At the beginning of the pandemic you said your kid’s teacher was a hero. Completely forget about these respectful sentiments and go back to regarding teachers as free childcare. You probably only did ‘clap for carers’ to feel good about yourself too.

Moan about a lack of discipline

Can’t be arsed to teach your child that hitting people with wooden blocks is wrong? Don’t worry, their teacher will do it for you. And if they don’t, get angry that they are incapable of discipline and turn up at the school to threaten the headteacher. Not mental at all.

Say they’re all ‘woke’

There’s a certain type of weirdo who thinks teachers are woke Marxists brainwashing their children instead of teaching them how to spell. When your child has a meltdown in Tesco it must be because their nice young teacher Miss Fielding indoctrinated them with violent anti-capitalist tendencies.