Friday, 14th May 2021

My busy day, by a scumbag internet troll

HAVE you ever wondered what sort of twat has the time and inclination to abuse strangers online all day? Here leading troll Martin Bishop explains his craft.

7.30am. Up with the lark, ready for a productive day of vile online abuse. Start by tweeting that George Floyd was a criminal who deserved to die. Good response, by which I mean about 500 people told me to go f**k myself. That was really just a warm-up.

8am. I’ve discovered that insulting celebrities’ kids really boils their piss. Told some Dancing On Ice nonentity that his baby daughter looks like Gollum with an eating disorder. Blocked. Result.

10am. I see Piers Morgan’s stand-in is an Asian guy. Sent a comment asking if he’s got a bomb under his desk, but it’s hard to stand out from the racists online, so I decide to bizarrely call Cheryl Cole a ‘fat ugly lesbian’ instead. Lots of hate, but quite a few likes too.

12.30pm. Time for a cheese and pickle sandwich and some death threats. The more random and undeserved it is, the better, so today I’ve warned Sophie Ellis-Bextor to ‘watch her back’. 

2pm. I like to vary my trolling, so instead of addressing the issues of the day I leave a series of extremely negative reviews on Tripadvisor, telling one local restaurant I had to go to hospital with near-fatal diarrhoea. Never been there, obviously. Might pop in sometime, the food looks nice.

3pm. Time to bait the Remainers! I head over to Guardian comments to say how brilliantly Brexit is going, post some borderline racism and then whine about being called a racist. I particularly enjoy them trying to use reasoned argument, when I am clearly a f**king idiot. Sweet.

5.30pm. Round off the day by saying I hope all woke people get AIDS. Had a brief nagging doubt that my time could be used more productively and maybe I should get a job, but trolling is just such a rewarding lifestyle choice.