WORRIED that you might be a victim of the gentrification usually reserved for areas of cities? Find out if you’ll soon be priced out of your own life:
How would you describe yourself?
A) Up-and-coming, a bit rough around the edges, but with eclectic and quirky interests
B) Cheap, grimy, basically shit
Where do you see yourself in five years?
A) I’d like to pursue my passions of grafitti art, livetweeting coffees, hipster veganism and vaping
B) I’d like to think I’ll still be around, if I can cut down a bit on my drinking
What’s your favourite film?
A) Anything written by Ken Loach, anything Iranian, or The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension
B) Fast & Furious 6, after that the franchise goes bollocks
What’s your favourite food?
A) Any unique delicacy perfected by a close-knit immigrant culture, just begging to be sold on a slate at twice the price
B) Day-old chips
What are your friends like?
A) Mykkle runs an art gallery from his electric scooter dealershop, and Xtina is an artisanal latte foam artist
B) Gaz and Macca are the same twats I’ve know since school
How much would you charge to rent you for a month?
A) £550 at the moment, but that might be going up. I’m getting a lot of offers like this
B) Six pints
Mostly As: I’m afraid that you’re both perpetrator and victim of gentrification. Soon your features will be distorted into the permanently self-satisfied grin of a Guardian reader, and you’ll have to ride a single-gear Dutch bike. And you’ll like it.
Mostly Bs: You’re not being gentrified, but don’t get complacent. The moment you show a single redeeming quality the developers will be on you like rats on a deconstructed shish kebab. Knock a couple of front teeth out so they’ll keep a safe distance.