AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
To fulfil a lifelong ambition and shit on Earth
Only a few select astronauts, Laika, and some chimps have defecated in the Earth’s atmosphere and watched it fall, burning, to the planet below. Bezos hopes to be the first to do it out of sheer contempt for humanity.
To have a giant laser battle with Richard Branson
Branson is trying to beat Bezos into space so he can repurpose space lasers for a war, but when he gets there Elon Musk is already tooled up! The three billionaires face off in an orbital battle which lights up the night skies and destroys all our satellites.
To take a decent Tinder photo
All the best Tinder photo locations have been done a thousand times, but zero gravity with Earth winking over your shoulder will get the girls’ attention. Provides an ideal opportunity to slip in that you’re the world’s richest man.
To move there
Sick of pandemics, divorces and having to set the new Kindle Daily Deal at five past midnight every night, Bezos is moving to space. From his orbiting palace he will watch the cancer of Amazon spread across the globe devastating it while smoking a cigar.
To move Amazon up there
Orbit is the ultimate distribution centre. By moving his fulfillment centres to the upper atmosphere, Bezos can deliver packages by sending them down as meteors direct to your home. They may smash your house and kill your dog but it’s so bloody convenient.
To pass the time
He’s a geek billionaire just out of a divorce, bored, at home, watching Star Trek: Voyager. Of course he’s going to space.