The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

To fulfil a lifelong ambition and shit on Earth

Only a few select astronauts, Laika, and some chimps have defecated in the Earth’s atmosphere and watched it fall, burning, to the planet below. Bezos hopes to be the first to do it out of sheer contempt for humanity.

To have a giant laser battle with Richard Branson

Branson is trying to beat Bezos into space so he can repurpose space lasers for a war, but when he gets there Elon Musk is already tooled up! The three billionaires face off in an orbital battle which lights up the night skies and destroys all our satellites.

To take a decent Tinder photo

All the best Tinder photo locations have been done a thousand times, but zero gravity with Earth winking over your shoulder will get the girls’ attention. Provides an ideal opportunity to slip in that you’re the world’s richest man.

To move there

Sick of pandemics, divorces and having to set the new Kindle Daily Deal at five past midnight every night, Bezos is moving to space. From his orbiting palace he will watch the cancer of Amazon spread across the globe devastating it while smoking a cigar.

To move Amazon up there

Orbit is the ultimate distribution centre. By moving his fulfillment centres to the upper atmosphere, Bezos can deliver packages by sending them down as meteors direct to your home. They may smash your house and kill your dog but it’s so bloody convenient.

To pass the time

He’s a geek billionaire just out of a divorce, bored, at home, watching Star Trek: Voyager. Of course he’s going to space.

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Keep politics out of football, says booing England fan making racist political statement

AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.

Supporter Stephen Malley was so enraged by the England team showing solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement that he felt compelled to show his solidarity with the booing racist gobshite movement.

Malley said: “Football has always been a safe haven completely untroubled by issues of inequality, so it was a real shame to see the woke agenda creep onto the field. I blame the black players.

“As I watched Tyrone Mings go down on one knee I decided enough was enough and let out a long, sonorous boo. Libtards will call me a racist, but what’s racist about making a recognised sound of disparagement as footballers stand up for the rights of black people?

“All I know about Black Lives Matter is it’s prejudiced for excluding whites. In my own way I was trying to help the team see that, and that’s why my brave boos were met with rapturous applause.

“Also it’s Marxist and they’re all millionaires, so I’m actually helping them. I expect I’ll be invited for a knighthood by the end of the week.”

Gareth Southgate said: “So long as we have racist twat fans like Stephen, we’re going to keep doing this.”