Are you having a breakdown or do you actually like the walls you painted dark grey?

YOU painted your walls dark grey because a Sunday supplement told you to. But is this just a manifestation of emotional crisis or do you like them? 

Why did you paint your walls dark grey?

A) Because I’m emotionally and physically on pause so my home needed to reflect my inner state of being imprisoned in a dimly lit box.
B) Dark grey is really in at the moment? It makes other colours pop. Yes, I said ‘pop’.

What colour is it, exactly?

A) A bleak, eternal grey, like the colour of my soul and of all our futures.
B) Railings by Farrow and Ball, obviously. We had Elephant’s Breath before, but that’s so 2018.

How much did the paint cost?

A) I assume we got it cheap from a disused asylum. It just seemed to appear in the garage, where I go to scream.
B) A mere £85 for five litres. That’s reasonable, and not insane.

Did you paint the ceiling too?

A) Yes. There must be no hope. No hope anywhere. Even the sky must be a formless void.
B) Yes, because someone on Pinterest said it was ‘bold and cocooning’ and, more importantly, the ceiling has to look good for Zoom calls. Ceilings are the new bookshelves.


Mostly As: Your grey walls are an unequivocal cry for help. Unfortunately it’s a cry muffled by the unending stylish greyness of your walls.

Mostly Bs: Your grey walls are simply a sign of middle-class susceptibility to trends. You probably also own a velvet sofa in a daring colour. Later today you will spill a drink on it.

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Feral sourdough starters spotted on moors

ABANDONED and unwanted sourdough starters are attacking sheep on remote moorland, farmers have warned. 

The starters, which were the darlings of the middle-classes before being dropped the moment they could leave the house again, are roaming countryside hungry for prey.

Dartmoor resident Norman Steele said: “My dogs were barking in the yard last night. When I went to check on them there was a trail to the fence, and the fence had a hole in it. Usually the dogs do anything to get out but they wouldn’t go near it.

“There was a stink of fermented yeast in the air, trails of gloopy white on the ground, and when I tried to follow it the sinister sound of bubbling only got louder. I fled, terrified for my life.”

Experts believe as many as 2,000 sourdough starters were released into the wild and, thriving in the damp conditions and driven mad by not being posted on Instagram, have turned feral.

Farmer Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve lost three chickens in the last week. I check on them in the morning and there’s just a pile of feathers, a beak, and the smell of organic rye flour and pointless aspiration.

“Thing is, these starters have no natural predators. And they’re only getting bolder.”