Six tattoos commemorating the coronavirus lockdown you can get today

WORRIED this unique year of deprivation and confinement may fade from your memory? These six tattoos will ensure the coronavirus experience stays with you:

The Chinese for coronavirus

This beautiful character would look gorgeous on the nape of your neck and remind everyone of this magical time. For the more sentimental, get your favoured brand of crisps or spirits translated and inked to remember what most helped you suffocate your feelings.

Your favourite piece of furniture

Instead of Angkor Wat or Tierra del Fuego or some other exotic location you visited while travelling, get a permanent record of the place you spent most of 2020 in, ie your sofa, bed or garden shed.

A bog roll

Coming out the other side of this adventure, it’s important we remember to appreciate the things we might once have taken for granted. Glancing down at your forearm and seeing a bog roll stare back at you keeps you humble and connected to what really matters.

Rishi Sunak

Either the incredible chancellor who saved Britain or another of the stars of Britain’s favourite tea-time viewing, like debonair Matt Hancock, vein-pulsing Dominic Raab or furious-at-the-incompetence-she’s=projecting-on-others Priti Patel. Who would look better on your upper thigh?

Eyes on your eyelids

This way you’ll be able to continue your new napping habits even when you’re back working in the office again! Also, if you’ve got children, when the second wave hits you’ll be able to sleep your way through looking after them 24/7 and they’ll never know.

Keep 2m distant

Get this bold backpiece and nobody will ever come close to you again, apart from all the people who routinely ignore it in every supermarket, on every pavement, and in every other public space.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man slightly too far away to hold the door for

A MAN is not quite close enough to hold the door open for, it has been confirmed.

The time it would take for Stephen Malley to reach the held door would negate any good feeling that had accrued between the two participants and leave them feeling like twats.

Potential door-holder Oliver O’Connor said: “The rules are clear. The limit for holding the door should not exceed the time taken for the door to close on its own, multiplied by three.

“In addition, his step-to-time ratio is too slow, and I will feel like a creepy weirdo smiling and staring at him as he approaches. I’m not going to hold it.”

Malley said: “Having to do that embarrassing walk-jog to get there in time is more inconvenient than simply opening the door by myself. He did the right thing. It’s a lose-lose scenario.

“Anyway, if I feel the need to get him back, I’ll just make sure to whack the ‘close doors’ button next time I see him approaching a lift.”