Idiot believes everything is fake except wrestling

A YOUNG man is convinced that everything in modern life is a bogus conspiracy except professional wrestling. 

Ryan Whittaker, who gets his news from Facebook and just stuff he figures out himself, has covered his TV set in silver foil as he distrusts everything broadcast by the mainstream media.

Whittaker said: “This whole ‘coronavirus’ thing is just a bunch of Chinese communists realising that if they spread a story about some guy eating a bat, they can bring the West to its knees.

“Same as vaccinations. They don’t cure a thing. That stuff they inject you with is mind-control serum to make sure you believe everything they tell you on the news.

“There’s only one real thing and that’s American Pro Wrestling. Those arseholes who say it’s all fake haven’t ever been clotheslined and placed in a coffin by The Undertaker.

“Or seen Steve The Ultimate Destroyer win three fights in exactly the same way on three consecutive nights against The Awesome Devastator.

“With the exception of Donald Trump’s tan, that’s as real as it gets.”

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COVID-themed chat-up lines that won't get you anywhere

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

‘Hook me up to a ventilator because you took my breath away’

Just like the UK’s respirators at the height of the pandemic, the charm in this chat-up line is in woefully short supply. Stick to a classic like ‘Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?’, which is admittedly only slightly less bad.

‘Kiss me if I’m wrong, but we’ve found a vaccine, right?’

Cornering someone for physical contact with your own stupidity is never a good idea. Although at least this come-on filters out nutcases who think drinking bleach is a viable cure. The last thing those people should be doing is reproducing.

‘Feel my face mask, it’s made of boyfriend material’

Besides the excruciating wordplay that would cause even James Bond’s libido to wither and die, you’re encouraging someone to touch your face with their potentially diseased hands. If it removes your puns from the gene pool though, perhaps it’s worth a go?

‘You’re hotter than the 37.8°C fever which left me bedridden for a week’

While your in-depth knowledge of a key coronavirus symptom is commendable, the image of your infected body pumping out sweat in bed is a major turn off. Also there’s more to a person’s worth than their physical appearance, you shallow bastard.

‘We might die soon so fancy a shag?’

It’s very desperate but there’s a chance this might actually work. It’s essentially what loads of old poetry boils down to, plus everyone is so starved of sexual excitement that the direct approach could pay off.