Forget littering: Five other ways to ruin beauty spots for others

AFTER the angry reaction to litter in our nation’s parks and on its beaches, you might be looking for new ways to ruin Britain’s beauty spots. Here are some suggestions.

Encourage dogging up Ben Nevis

Every weekend, countless people take on the challenge of reaching the summit of Britain’s highest peak. Imagine the average rambler’s disgust when they stumble across equally adventurous couples from Essex banging away at one another like a barn door in a storm.

Ignore parking restrictions at Stonehenge

Stonehenge belongs to the people so it hardly seems fair that you can’t park right next to it, like you do with your house. Smash through the fence in your Vauxhall Astra, crank up the stereo and fire up a barbecue on a fallen sarsen stone.

Paint the White Cliffs of Dover

The Vera Lynn song was ages ago, so do these cliffs really need their USP anymore? If you have enough paint you could make them a more interesting colour, like purple, within a few days. The person you’ll annoy most is Nigel Farage, which is an excellent added bonus.

Start a ‘Pick your own tree’ business in Sherwood Forest

During summer ‘Pick your own strawberries’ sites do big business. Scale it up by offering 400-plus hectares of stunning British woodland and a spade. It’s sure to prove such a hit that within weeks this once thriving forest will be reduced to nothing more than twigs.

Launch a party boat on Lake Windermere

People love the peace and tranquility of the Lake District, so why not f**k it up by launching a big, noisy boat full of pissed people vomiting over the sides? An enjoyable way to ruin it for everyone else.

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How to pretend to enjoy being on holiday when you're terrified

GOING on a theoretically relaxing week away but you’re actually so scared of touching any surfaces it’s going to be a nightmare? Here’s how to fake it.

Claim you love a road trip

You can now fly to some countries, but what kind of lunatic wants to be trapped in a metal tube with 200 other potentially deadly passengers? Insist on driving and pretend you love it, even if it takes you nine hot, irritable days to reach your favourite villa in Greece.

Eat all picnics in the car

Even if cafes are open you can’t be sure that COVID-19 isn’t lurking on the cutlery. Make your own disappointing sandwiches, eat them in the car and pretend it makes you nostalgic for the miserable holidays of your childhood.

Be constantly drunk

You’re allowed to start drinking at 10am on holiday which is good because you’ll need it to forget to worry about whether the holiday cottage you’ve hired has been properly disinfected or just vaguely wiped over with a germ-infested cloth.

Tell everyone you adore camping in the rain

If you can’t relax enough to sleep in a bed you haven’t personally boil washed, go camping instead. You have to bring every single item from home, which is why camping is an inconvenient nightmare, but at least you know that everything down to the teaspoons has been sterilised.

Stay at home and photoshop the pictures

If leaving home seems like too much of an anxiety-ridden pain in the arse, just stay home. Download some pictures of Spain, photoshop yourself in, pop them on Facebook and have a nice, relaxing time in safety.