Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Forget littering: Five other ways to ruin beauty spots for others

AFTER the angry reaction to litter in our nation’s parks and on its beaches, you might be looking for new ways to ruin Britain’s beauty spots. Here are some suggestions.

Encourage dogging up Ben Nevis

Every weekend, countless people take on the challenge of reaching the summit of Britain’s highest peak. Imagine the average rambler’s disgust when they stumble across equally adventurous couples from Essex banging away at one another like a barn door in a storm.

Ignore parking restrictions at Stonehenge

Stonehenge belongs to the people so it hardly seems fair that you can’t park right next to it, like you do with your house. Smash through the fence in your Vauxhall Astra, crank up the stereo and fire up a barbecue on a fallen sarsen stone.

Paint the White Cliffs of Dover

The Vera Lynn song was ages ago, so do these cliffs really need their USP anymore? If you have enough paint you could make them a more interesting colour, like purple, within a few days. The person you’ll annoy most is Nigel Farage, which is an excellent added bonus.

Start a ‘Pick your own tree’ business in Sherwood Forest

During summer ‘Pick your own strawberries’ sites do big business. Scale it up by offering 400-plus hectares of stunning British woodland and a spade. It’s sure to prove such a hit that within weeks this once thriving forest will be reduced to nothing more than twigs.

Launch a party boat on Lake Windermere

People love the peace and tranquility of the Lake District, so why not f**k it up by launching a big, noisy boat full of pissed people vomiting over the sides? An enjoyable way to ruin it for everyone else.