Boyfriend talking over programme like he's more interesting than television

A WOMAN’S partner keeps starting conversations in front of the television believing he is more appealing than what she has chosen to watch.

Charlotte Phelps is struggling to understand how her boyfriend of three years thinks his chat can compete with the vast array of streaming platform content available to her.

Phelps said: “When I’m crying my way through a transformative journey on Queer Eye, I don’t have time to pretend I give a shit while he bitches about how annoying his colleagues are.

“I’ve had to stay up late to rewatch whole seasons of Homeland because he talked over key moments, and he ruined Normal People for me by banging on about all the traumatic family stuff he experienced growing up.

“No amount of one-to-one interaction will ever rival all those lovely little pixels moving about, especially not with a man whose conversation always includes a detailed description of his latest bowel movement.”

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Cunning middle class drinkers put off going to the pub until this weekend

CLEVER middle class people are going to the pub this weekend instead, having dodged both the common folk and the rush. 

The savvy drinkers held back last weekend to allow the proles to sup their fill and spend their meagre hoard of wages on drink, in favour of going out when all is quiet.

Julian Cooke said: “You wouldn’t have caught me out last week. No way. They’d all been trapped inside for months and their houses are so small.

“But now they’ve all had their little bacchanal and caught up on the football and their other grubby interests, the moment is right for our sojourn to The Wheatsheaf.

“The bar staff will be delighted to see us after dealing with all those hollering idiots, drunk on freedom and Fosters, last weekend.

“We’ll retire to the garden, sip our drinks in a relaxed manner, and congratulate ourselves on our foresight and patience.”

Barman Jordan Gardner said: “If there’s one person I haven’t missed whilst on furlough, it’s that smug twat.”