Are your shoes completely unsuitable for a night out? A checklist for women

YOU’VE got a big night out planned and you’re heading to the door – but wait. Do your shoes render you completely unable to walk? Use our checklist.

Are the heels high enough?

Nothing ruins an evening more than not spending the entirety of it on tip-toe with only two slender columns supporting your weight. Besides, men might not like it. Ensure that you’re tottering along on mini-stilts or walking more than 50 feet might be a possibility.

Are they strappy enough?

Padding and support are for gentlemen’s shoes. Yours should be held on the feet by thin, razor-sharp straps designed to look aesthetically pleasing but which disregard any anatomical knowledge of the foot. If they’re not cutting into the flesh by 9.30pm, they were the wrong choice.

Do they offer zero protection?

On a cold evening there’s nothing more alluring than marbled, blueing feet. Keeping your extremities warm is for the stronger sex. Ideally your shoes should cover less than five per cent of the surface area of your foot. Anything more and you’re a frumpy old pensioner wearing hideous thermal zip-up boots and dragging around a tartan shopping trolley.

Is their fabric harsh and unyielding?

Leather is the preferred material for shoes as it is both sturdy and moves with the foot. So rule that out. Instead choose strips of transparent plastic, ribbons, diamante or even metal chains to make your footwear eye-catching, attractive, and tortuous to take a single step in.

Do they only stay on with great effort?

Finally, the shoe should also only remain on the foot through constant effort, requiring the toes to be curled and the foot braced. Aim for not being able to go up three steps without meticulously planning every movement in advance like a bank heist. All done? Congratulations! You’re ready for a night out.

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Smoking indoors, never getting your five-a-day and other terrible health risks you took in the 90s

IF you lived through the 90s you risked your life on a daily basis without even realising it. Here’s what you miraculously survived:

Smoking indoors

Giving drunk people lighters and allowing them to hold tubes of smouldering paper seems insane, yet that’s what having a fag in a pub was like. And we all lived to tell the tale, apart from a few hundred thousand who died from smoking-related illnesses.

Not having a bottle of water with you constantly

People used to go the entire day without drinking any water at all. The only reason you’d even think about taking a bottle of water out with you was if the car radiator needed topping up.

Drinking dirt-cheap, sugary alcopops

Before everyone’s body was a temple, we used to neck gallons of cheap, sugary piss like Reef, Hooch and MD2020 without giving a passing thought to what it was doing to our insides.

Taking shitloads of Pro Plus

You popped Pro Plus like they were vitamins, never got any sleep and were so knackered that the only solution was to take even more Pro Plus.

Going out all weekend without a mobile phone

You’d go out on a Friday and return in time for tea on Sunday night, and your parents didn’t have a clue where you were or have any way to contact you. Young people today will never know such joy.

Driving without a SatNav

You’d give your friend a map they couldn’t read and arrive at every destination two hours late, having had a massive argument on the way.

Not knowing your step count

You had no idea how many steps you were taking on a daily basis. How did people cope without constantly worrying that spending all day sitting down was shaving years off their lives?

Buying something without reading a review

You’d go into a shop and buy an item without reading 700 reviews first. If it was shit, you took it back to the shop, which is actually a lot more convenient than trying to post something back to Amazon.

Enjoying cheap white bread

You could enjoy the pleasure of eating bread made from gluten and plastic without chastising yourself for not spending a fiver on a loaf of ancient grains sourdough made by your local artisanal baker.

Being blissfully unaware of your fruit and veg intake

You’d eat an apple when your mum told you to and some carrots and peas at Sunday dinner. Aside from that the only other vegetables you ate were potatoes, and you didn’t even know that they didn’t count.