YOU’VE got a big night out planned and you’re heading to the door – but wait. Do your shoes render you completely unable to walk? Use our checklist.
Are the heels high enough?
Nothing ruins an evening more than not spending the entirety of it on tip-toe with only two slender columns supporting your weight. Besides, men might not like it. Ensure that you’re tottering along on mini-stilts or walking more than 50 feet might be a possibility.
Are they strappy enough?
Padding and support are for gentlemen’s shoes. Yours should be held on the feet by thin, razor-sharp straps designed to look aesthetically pleasing but which disregard any anatomical knowledge of the foot. If they’re not cutting into the flesh by 9.30pm, they were the wrong choice.
Do they offer zero protection?
On a cold evening there’s nothing more alluring than marbled, blueing feet. Keeping your extremities warm is for the stronger sex. Ideally your shoes should cover less than five per cent of the surface area of your foot. Anything more and you’re a frumpy old pensioner wearing hideous thermal zip-up boots and dragging around a tartan shopping trolley.
Is their fabric harsh and unyielding?
Leather is the preferred material for shoes as it is both sturdy and moves with the foot. So rule that out. Instead choose strips of transparent plastic, ribbons, diamante or even metal chains to make your footwear eye-catching, attractive, and tortuous to take a single step in.
Do they only stay on with great effort?
Finally, the shoe should also only remain on the foot through constant effort, requiring the toes to be curled and the foot braced. Aim for not being able to go up three steps without meticulously planning every movement in advance like a bank heist. All done? Congratulations! You’re ready for a night out.
