Artisan gin producers really scraping the weirdly-flavoured barrel

ARTISAN gin manufacturers have no idea if there are any palatable flavours left, they have admitted.

Creators of flavoured gins have already used rhubarb, ginger, elderflower, rhubarb and ginger, chilli, salted caramel, parma violet, lemon drizzle cake and beef and believe there can at best be only a handful of flavours left.

Gin distiller Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve hit a wall. The other day someone seriously proposed bourbon-flavoured gin, and it took me a minute before I said ‘shut up’.

“It happens to all industries. They ran out of new ice-cream flavours back in the 90s but at least they could just start throwing cookie dough and shit in. We’ve got to remain liquid.

“Over the next six months you’ll see kumquat gin, liquorice gin, cheese ’n’ onion gin, durian fruit gin, a lovely pepsin, cubeb and camphor blend gin, Olde English Spangle gin, and king prawn gin. Then we’re done.”

Hobbs added: “We could, of course, just go back to traditional gin, flavoured with juniper berries but it tastes fucking awful.”

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Middle-aged female celebrities all going out with same man

EVERY middle-aged female celebrity is in a relationship with the same man, it has emerged.

Called Lee, Dean or Justin, the man likes going to the gym and claims to be a property developer although he mainly works as a bouncer at a scary nightclub in Swindon.

Lee/Dean/Justin is currently going out with Kerry Katona, Melanie Sykes, two of the Spice Girls and almost certainly Katie Price.

Lee/Dean/Justin said: “I’m pretty easygoing really. I like banter and talking selfies. They’re great. I also like eating food.

“I really love whoever I’m going out with, whatever their name or names are, and I think they’re ‘the one’. I’m getting a tattoo of their face on my massive waxed thigh.”

He added: “I am doing cage fighting in Milton Keynes tomorrow. I think there’s still some tickets on the door.”