Astrology fan perplexed she can't get boyfriend

A WOMAN who is a strong believer in astrology cannot understand why her strange supernatural belief system has not led to a lasting relationship.

Receptionist Carolyn Ryan’s first dates never seem to go anywhere, despite her having access to mysterious information about the future and the cosmos.  

Ryan said: “I’m a Scorpio with Aries rising, which means men are intimidated by me. What other reason could there be for them not being interested?

“I offer to do their star charts and everything, plotting out the positions of the planets at birth, but they always decline. Philistines. They don’t deserve me.

“They don’t realise astrology is actually very reliable. I did a reading for my sister and found her wealth status would soon change. Then just two months later her car failed its MOT.”

Date Tom Booker said: “Carolyn is utterly tedious with a head full of nonsense. It’s a shame really, as she’s quite fit.”

Ryan added: “Tom can f*ck off because I’m probably not compatible with him anyway. I’m looking for a nice Cancerian who will fit well with the personality planets millions of miles away have given me.”

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The middle class parents' guide to making the holidays 'educational'

ARE you aspirational parents who think the summer holidays should be a gruelling educational experience? Here’s how to make your kids cleverer than their friends.

Make them keep a holiday diary 

Children must record every mindless detail of the holidays in a journal, eg. finding some f**king beetle during a country walk. This must then be handed in to mum and dad for marking and corrections for even more carefree holiday fun.

Mindbendingly boring day trips 

Forget Alton Towers or fun places your children could bond with their peers over. Your hapless spawn will be visiting worthy locations such as: 

Museums. The dull ones, not ones with tanks. There’s nothing children love more than four hours of trudging round the Prestatyn Museum of Lace Making looking at black-and-white photos of glum Welsh Methodists.

Historical sites. Should always be disappointing, eg. the scene of an English Civil War battle that is just a featureless field, or a ruined castle that’s less impressive than looking at a pile of breeze blocks.

Local churches. The real nadir of family days out. You may even wish to introduce them at an early age to the ultimate dweeb hobby: brass rubbing.

Go for bike rides

A great way to do some learning by stealth. A well-planned bike ride can include learning about oxbow lakes, different types of stile, crop rotation, and many other dull things that will mentally scar your children for life.

Keep track of their progress

Luckily there’s a simple way to tell if they are learning enough: if your kids are tearfully begging to be allowed to go back to school to study long division and chemical formulas, you’re getting the holiday learning just right!