At least I'm middle class, says jobless man in £15,000 of debt

A MAN who has lost his job, is behind on his mortgage and buys groceries on a credit card is consoled by the knowledge that he is middle-class. 

Freelance marketing consultant Tom Logan has been let go by his employers, is deeply in debt and could soon be homeless, but still knows the best olive oil to dip ciabatta in.

He said: “Sure, things aren’t great financially at the moment. I may ending up living in the old Kia Sportage for a few months. But I read the broadsheet papers at the library.

“They can’t take my liberal, educated outlook on life. No matter what happens I won’t have a coarse regional accent. Even when I’m shopping at Aldi I have the bearing of a man who shops at Waitrose.

“I remain the kind of man who knows about Gabriel García Márquez. I haven’t read any but I intend to, which is the main thing. If I were to mention Gabriel García Márquez to that warehouse supervisor who turned me down for a job the other day, he’d think he was United’s latest signing.

“Even when he was telling me I couldn’t earn minimum wage on a zero-hours contract, he called me ‘Mr Logan’ and ‘Sir’. I told him he could call me ‘Tom’ but he didn’t and I see his point. There’s a gulf between us.

“At the end he shook my hand and you could tell he’d never been to grammar school or Sicily. Which, destitute as I am, remains a great comfort to me.”

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Six films that definitely shouldn't have won Oscars

EVERY year, the Oscars give eager filmgoers a great guide to what shite to avoid. These six certainly shouldn’t have taken statuettes home: 

Best Picture, 1965 – The Sound of Music

Four musicals won Best Picture in the 1960s, which seems bizarre now when the prestigious prize invariably goes to films where actors are as ugly and miserable as possible. That this dull Sunday matinee fare won the highest accolade that year is testament to the decade’s insanely low standards.

Best Picture, 1995 – Forrest Gump

The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction were released this year, so naturally the best film went to a movie starring Tom Hanks as a pure-hearted slow-witted fool. America chose this when it was feeling sorry for itself and wanted to hear it wasn’t such a bad guy after all. And that quote about chocolates is shite.

Best Picture, 2004 – Crash

A drama about race relations with all the subtlety of a reversing bin lorry, Crash captures the heart-sinking resentment of rear-ending a Vauxhall Corsa and standing around exchanging insurance details. The Academy was obviously so keen to no-homo Brokeback Mountain they just chose the straightest movie in competition.

Best Cinematography, 2009 – Avatar

Rendered almost entirely in CGI, the second-highest grossing film of all time that no-one gives a shit about now won a gong for Best Cinematography, which translates as ‘really this business is all about money and you made three f**king billion’.

Best Director, 1990 – Kevin Costner

Every ten years or so, the Academy likes to reward an actor who’s tried hard. Hence Robert Redford in 1980, former Happy Days star Ron Howard in 2001 and in 1990 Costner, who would build on this artistic triumph by starring in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Beat Martin Scorcese, for Goodfellas. 

Best Picture, 2018 – Green Book

Everyone was pissed off about this one. A syrupy tale about how a fat Italian racist helps an intelligent, talented black man get in touch with his identity, Green Book is bollocks and only memorable for beating five better films and two better films about race. Oh well, at least Bohemian Rhapsody didn’t win.