The five stages of realising you won't be going to a music festival this summer

DID you optimistically buy a ticket to a festival even though it was a gamble as to whether it would happen? Here’s how to cope with realising you won’t be going.


You were convinced you’d be lying in a muddy field, sunburnt and maybe having a bad ketamine trip this August. The very thought of it got you through lockdown. It’s definitely happening this year – something as trifling as a £10 million insurance risk won’t stop the music.


You can’t believe that the apparently bohemian, hippy festival you’ve naively been enjoying for all these years has actually turned out to be hugely corporate and is bowing to The Man. You’re so furious that you burn your inflatable armchair and comedy jester hat in the garden.


There must be some way it can still happen. What if everyone was in a zorb ball? Or they halved the crowd and it was socially distanced? They must know you wouldn’t start hugging strangers and telling them you love them after seven pints and half an E. You’re a responsible adult.


All of the fun and joy of life have been removed now that you can’t spend three days getting shitfaced and not changing your clothes. You are in a deep, dark pit of despair, and feel almost as bad as you do the Monday after a festival when you haven’t slept for three days and have only eaten dodgy burgers.


Well, it’s sad, but actually think of all the money and brain cells you’ll save, not to mention the fact that you won’t need two weeks off work to recover and no one will have to put up with you banging on about how ‘life changing’ Idles were on the Friday night. Maybe it’s not so bad after all.

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Dungarees, and other items of clothing that make your partner want to dump you

DO you think you look arty and cool in your new dungarees? Your partner thinks you look like an embarrassing twat. Here are some other items of clothing likely to end your relationship.


Adults who wear dungarees think they look like edgy creatives, when in fact they resemble monstrously overgrown toddlers who need help taking them off to go to the toilet. Your pair won’t make it through their first outing without your partner suddenly realising how much they fancy your best mate.

Any hat

Unless a hat is needed for practical reasons, eg. working on a building site, they mark out the wearer as an affected twat. A natty little pork pie number doesn’t make you look like Frank Sinatra in Las Vegas, it makes you look like an Olly Murs fan on a very bad day.


Most judges would be sympathetic towards Crocs being legal grounds for divorce, so don’t even think about trying to get away with them in front of your spouse. They may be comfortable but they give every wearer the air of a sinister cult leader hell-bent on persuading everyone to drink the Kool-Aid.

A massive scarf

A normal-sized scarf is a sensible winter accessory, but if you find yourself winding something akin to a large woollen tablecloth around your neck, prepare to become single very soon. Especially criminal if you wear one in the summer with sandals and shorts.

Zip-off cargo pants

Unless you are trekking in the Himalayas, there’s absolutely no need for you to be able to quickly turn your trousers into shorts without taking them off. If you do this in the pub or garden centre your partner will probably leave you on the spot, and rightly so.