Barbecues 'like smoking 20 cigarettes but not as cool'

BARBECUE cooking has the same health effects as smoking 20 fags but is nowhere near as cool, it has emerged.

Experts now believe that putting on an apron and burning some sausages not only damages your lungs but also damages your ‘coolness’ by making you look like a twat.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We found that barbecues substantially increase the risk of lung cancer while never making you look like Humphrey Bogart or the young Mickey Rourke.

“Next time you’re thinking of inviting friends over for a barbecue, consider sparking up a load of fags instead. You’ll get a real ‘Mad Men’ vibe and there’ll be hardly any clearing up to do.”

The findings are bad news for people who think that soaking a bit of pork in fizzy drink for 12 hours, incinerating it and putting it in a bap is a good use of their time.

Barbecuer Stephen Malley said: “I’ve been standing in front of this barbecue for an hour. My clothes stink, I’m wearing a novelty chef’s hat, and I’m pretty sure I’ve given my whole family diarrhoea.

“On reflection I should have just bought 800 Marlboros and got stuck into them.”

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Five ways to avoid swearing in front of your f**king annoying kids

DO you struggle to get through a whole day with your children without dropping the F-bomb on the little shits? Follow our guide and be the perfect parent you thought you’d be before you had kids.

Swear behind them instead

A covert middle finger behind the unsuspecting back of a child who is being a dick at the dinner table provides all the satisfaction of yelling “Eat the fucking peas!” without the stress of worrying they’ll repeat it at school.

Use innocent phrases while ‘thinking in swear’

Try saying “In a minute” while thinking “Piss off”, or “We’ll see” while mentally shouting “No fucking way!”. “You little monkey” is also a great substitute for “Stop fucking doing that, you bastard”.

Don’t take them to the soft play centre

A trip to the soft play centre will test the will of even the most clean-speaking of parents. The moment you find yourself clambering shoeless up some sticky foam stairs to rescue your kid from the top of the slide for the fuckteenth time you’ll be swearing like a potty-mouthed Mary Poppins.

Find yourself a ‘swear hole’

If your kids are being particularly annoying, create your own soundproof ‘swear hole’. Every time you feel a bad word coming on, simply stick your head in the washing machine drum, microwave or down the toilet and let the expletives pour out harmlessly.

Wear a motorcycle helmet at all times

This should muffle any swearing, with the slight drawback of looking incredibly strange. But let’s face it, you have kids and this may be the only way to guarantee you never swear in front of them.