Bedroom comes with en-suite oven: a London landlord upsells his flat

FLAT hunters, your search is over. For just a large percentage of your salary – not including bills, council tax, or furniture – my flat could be yours. Take the tour: 

Location

The most crucial aspect of any new home is its location, and this property definitely has one. Right in the centre of a lively and thriving 24-hour economy, you’ll get around quickly because you’ll be running. Guaranteed gentrification-free.

Appliances

Everything’s en-suite; the oven’s in the front bedroom, the fridge is in the back bedroom, the washing machine’s in the living room and the bathroom’s in the flat downstairs. No more lonely hours in the kitchen because there isn’t one. Instead you’re always cooking with friends.

Garden

The green-thumbed will love this property’s innovative new approach to the environment: why go outside, when you can bring the outside in? Forget ‘patios’ and ‘lawns’; this green flat has moss on the windowsills, a thriving fungal colony in every corner and mushrooms growing on the carpet.

Housemates

Joining this household, you’ll be in the company of dedicated, full-time human beings. From a range of professions including all-hours weed dealer and benefit fraudster, you’ll live, laugh and learn to love together. Do you like dub? You soon will.

Bills

Bohemian and free-flowing, there’s a new bill for a new amount every day of the week. And for those without debts of your own, there’s a wealth of inherited unpaid demands from previous tenants to really hammer your credit rating.

Pets

They come with the property! Whether you love small mammals, insects or aggressive gulls, they’re always excited to come out to say hello to tenants and guests alike.

Call today, anytime except between 7am-11pm. No timewasters.

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Man who knew Tom Daley at school taking partial credit

A MAN who went to school with Olympian Tom Daley had admitted he feels the diver’s first gold medal is in some small way his, too. 

27-year-old Jordan Gardner shared geography and physics classes with Daley during their time at Eggbuckland Community College, and believes their fleeting interaction helped the Olympian win gold in the men’s synchronised 10m platform.

He said: “I lent him my pencil once, because even future gold medallists need a helping hand. And the rest, as they say, is history.

“That moment in the physics lesson turned his life around. It was my pencil he was using when he realised how gravity worked and that as a high diver he could use it to his advantage.

“Who knows, if I hadn’t stepped in and handed Tom that all important Staedtler Noris HB then the Chinese team might be basking in glory right now. Instead Tom, and myself to some extent, are the champions.

“It was obvious Tom wanted to thank me during that emotional interview, but some things are better left unsaid. His tears of gratitude on the podium said more than words ever could anyway.”

He added: “I don’t know who that other dude on the podium was. He should do the gracious thing and leave the spotlight to those who earned it, like Tom and me.”