FLAT hunters, your search is over. For just a large percentage of your salary – not including bills, council tax, or furniture – my flat could be yours. Take the tour:
The most crucial aspect of any new home is its location, and this property definitely has one. Right in the centre of a lively and thriving 24-hour economy, you’ll get around quickly because you’ll be running. Guaranteed gentrification-free.
Everything’s en-suite; the oven’s in the front bedroom, the fridge is in the back bedroom, the washing machine’s in the living room and the bathroom’s in the flat downstairs. No more lonely hours in the kitchen because there isn’t one. Instead you’re always cooking with friends.
The green-thumbed will love this property’s innovative new approach to the environment: why go outside, when you can bring the outside in? Forget ‘patios’ and ‘lawns’; this green flat has moss on the windowsills, a thriving fungal colony in every corner and mushrooms growing on the carpet.
Joining this household, you’ll be in the company of dedicated, full-time human beings. From a range of professions including all-hours weed dealer and benefit fraudster, you’ll live, laugh and learn to love together. Do you like dub? You soon will.
Bohemian and free-flowing, there’s a new bill for a new amount every day of the week. And for those without debts of your own, there’s a wealth of inherited unpaid demands from previous tenants to really hammer your credit rating.
They come with the property! Whether you love small mammals, insects or aggressive gulls, they’re always excited to come out to say hello to tenants and guests alike.
Call today, anytime except between 7am-11pm. No timewasters.