Being drunk and 10 miles from home: The downsides of a return to normality

EVERYONE is relieved that regular life is gradually resuming, but there’s a considerable downside. After a year, have you forgotten what normality is like?

Pissed as a fart and stranded somewhere in North London

If it were a Zoom session with your mates over a few cans, you could just hit the red button and travel the two yards to your bed. In normality, however, it’d be 12.40am, the last train long gone and you, penniless save for an Oyster card, taking a succession of night buses that eventually get you home at 4.30am.

Sitting next to people on public transport

After a year of being spared it, this minor bit of unwanted intimacy with strangers will feel more like they’re sitting on your lap. You’ve also probably forgotten they sit there chomping on fast food or talking shit on their phone too.

Going to f**king work

Face it, if you missed this one f**king bit, you’re the kind of unbearably boring corporate drone or bantz-wanker who made the lives of your co-workers a misery until they got this year of respite.

Wearing clothes

Oh, the joy of a year spent luxuriating in trackies, shorts, onesies, pants. Now, you’re going to have to go out in clothes and it’s going to feel like having to wear a top hat, starched collars and possibly a whalebone corset. And rest assured, it’s going to itch.

No excuse not to meet friends

One thing about a crisis like this is that you know who your friends are, and you’re quite happy seeing them no more than once every five years, sustaining the relationship with occasional email exchanges and the promise to go for that pint. Now, you’ll have to. Bloody vaccine – do we really want it?

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The five annoying habits of people who don't know how to argue

ARE your attempts to have a debate frequently undermined by the other person’s inability to argue without being a complete twat? Here are their annoying techniques.

Assuming that talking the loudest makes them right

Or just shouting. Somehow they believe that being a bolshy bastard or just plain aggressive wins an argument. Unfortunately ranting at a higher sound level is not irrefutable evidence of them being right.

Failing to understand that people have different views

We all have opinions on things and sometimes they differ. Is that difficult to understand? Apparently so, as the merest sign of a disagreement sends these people into a state of defensive fury as if you’re physically threatening them, not just discussing whether Line of Duty is a bit overrated.

Launching an ad hominem attack

Rather than arguing about the issue at stake, these charming individuals resort to personal insults in an attempt to undermine your case. Not nice, and a bit over-the-top when the disagreement is only about how to pronounce the word ‘lido’.

Pressuring neutral bystanders into taking their side

Idiots will rope in a bystander who has been silently observing, saying something like ‘Steve, you agree with me, don’t you?’ When Steve looks uncertain, they say ‘Thank you’ and nod in agreement with themselves, as if they’ve had the final word.

Storming off

After realising the opposing argument may have some merit, rather than accepting this they storm off like a moody teenager, shouting something along the lines of ‘This is ridiculous, like talking to a brick wall’, then slam a door somewhere, as if this signifies victory.