Thursday, 15th April 2021

Being drunk and 10 miles from home: The downsides of a return to normality

EVERYONE is relieved that regular life is gradually resuming, but there’s a considerable downside. After a year, have you forgotten what normality is like?

Pissed as a fart and stranded somewhere in North London

If it were a Zoom session with your mates over a few cans, you could just hit the red button and travel the two yards to your bed. In normality, however, it’d be 12.40am, the last train long gone and you, penniless save for an Oyster card, taking a succession of night buses that eventually get you home at 4.30am.

Sitting next to people on public transport

After a year of being spared it, this minor bit of unwanted intimacy with strangers will feel more like they’re sitting on your lap. You’ve also probably forgotten they sit there chomping on fast food or talking shit on their phone too.

Going to f**king work

Face it, if you missed this one f**king bit, you’re the kind of unbearably boring corporate drone or bantz-wanker who made the lives of your co-workers a misery until they got this year of respite.

Wearing clothes

Oh, the joy of a year spent luxuriating in trackies, shorts, onesies, pants. Now, you’re going to have to go out in clothes and it’s going to feel like having to wear a top hat, starched collars and possibly a whalebone corset. And rest assured, it’s going to itch.

No excuse not to meet friends

One thing about a crisis like this is that you know who your friends are, and you’re quite happy seeing them no more than once every five years, sustaining the relationship with occasional email exchanges and the promise to go for that pint. Now, you’ll have to. Bloody vaccine – do we really want it?