Monday, 19th April 2021

Six other things that aren't a problem according to a government report

RACISM is no longer a problem in the UK, thanks to a government report. So what other contemporary issues could be eradicated with some dubious research? 

Not owning your own home 

Yes, you would like to own your own home, but a new government report Owning Your Own Home is Shit conclusively proves that not owning a house is better. You’re a free-wheeling rebel who isn’t tied down to a property, apart from your massive monthly rent or being forced to live with your parents when you’re 31.

Breaking your leg

Like racism, the problem of breaking your leg is exaggerated. Many people who claim to have broken their leg are probably just imagining it. We need to stop obsessing about broken legs and focus on limbs that aren’t broken, such as arms.

Sexism

Belittling and harassing women sounds bad, but look at the positive side. Sexism has provided generations of men with entertainment and better employment prospects. And would you want to live in a world without 1970s comedy like On The Buses? Of course not.

Wasps at picnics 

Too many people fly into a panic when a wasp starts buzzing around their can of cider at a picnic. But ask yourself: how many people DON’T get stung by wasps, especially in winter? Clearly the problem is hugely exaggerated. 

Your partner having an affair 

Walking in on your partner in bed with someone else suggests they are cheating on you, but is it all in your mind? They may just be getting a second opinion on whether you need a new mattress, and if they appear to be actually making love, they could be rehearsing for a particularly raunchy amateur dramatics production.

Being dead 

Traditionally, mankind has feared death and dying and tried to avoid them. This is a very shortsighted way to look at things. Death provides thousands of undertakers with an income, not to mention related industries such as contract killing.