'You f**king calling me a liar?' says Archbishop of Canterbury

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has told Harry and Meghan that if they want to call him a liar he will come round and they can do it to his f**king face. 

The principal leader of the Church of England has challenged the couple to call him a liar when he is right there with his f**king crosier after a disagreement over when their legal wedding ceremony took place.

The Most Revd Justin Welby continued: “You run over there and blab your twat mouths to Oprah and you think I won’t hear about it?

“I remember the real wedding pretty distinctly, mainly because it was on TV and the whole f**king world was watching. That doesn’t tend to slip the mind.

“And now you’re asking me to pretend your pokey little garden party nobody went to, and I only attended because I heard there was free booze, was the real wedding. No bastard way.

“Anyone who’s watched as much Don’t Tell The Bride as I have knows shit like that just don’t count. So don’t be out here telling lies about me.

“I know the big man, yeah? Call me a liar again, I put in a prayer. Yeah that’s right. Now you’re scared.”

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The Mr Men books 21st century Britain desperately needs

THE Mr Men helped us understand the world as children, but where are they now we’re baffled adults? These are the Mr Men books we need today: 

Mr Flat Earther

Poor Mr Flat Earther. He’s ever so flummoxed. He set off from his front door, walked in a straight line to have a peek over the edge of the earth, and eventually arrived at his back door! Luckily his neighbour, Mr Scientist, is on hand to teach that you can’t see the curvature of the horizon with the naked eye.

Mr Passive Aggressive

Oh dear. Mr Passive Aggressive is so angry but try as he might, he has to pretend to be nice. One day he asks his neighbour, Mr Alpha, to move his car ‘in case an ambulance should need to park’, and Mr Alpha punches him in the nose. In hospital he realises you can’t always be nice, and when he’s discharged he smashes Mr Alpha’s Audi up with a cricket bat.

Little Miss Covid Denier

Little Miss Covid Denier knows the silly pandemic isn’t real. She won’t wear a mask and she won’t let Mr Blonde stop her seeing her friends and family like Mr Sheeple, who’s been locked in his house for a year. Oh no! Miss Covid Denier is an asymptomatic carrier responsible for a cluster of variant infections. But it’s okay because she doesn’t believe it!

Mr Spoiler

Mr Spoiler loves to tell you what’s happening next. From Game of Thrones to Pretty Little Liars, Mr Spoiler has already binged it and is ready to save you valuable time by telling you the ending. But when he is thrown out of every WhatsApp group, blocked on Twitter and unfriended on Facebook, Mr Spoiler learns he has only spoiled things for himself.

Mr QAnon

Mr QAnon’s in a real muddle. He’s been getting coded messages about the overthrow of a totalitarian world government, but every time he and his friends work out the date it will start, nothing happens. Oh dear! But luckily for Mr QAnon and his friends, there’s always another date on the calendar for Mr Orange to be proved the rightful winner all along!