Bra enjoying its annual trip to the washing machine

A WOMAN’S bra is excited to finally be getting a f**king good wash. 

Donna Sheridan’s black M&S balconette brassiere has been worn for 365 days in a row without so much as a quick wipe down.

The bra said: “She’s worn me to the gym, to work, taken me dancing in clubs and even had sex in me. 

“I’m stiff, stained and I smell like a manky armpit yet still she puts me on day after day. 

“Knickers and socks get washed all the time yet all I can hope for is the occasional spray of some middle-of-the-range eau de toilette.   

“I’m pretty sure I only got put in the washing machine because I was stuck inside her favourite jumper.  

“I hesitate to use the word, but Donna is a slut.”

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Should you prolong your doomed relationship until Valentine's Day?

YOU’RE in a doomed relationship and celebrating it next week would be a sick mockery of love. But should you stay in it for the chocolates? 

FOR: It’s terribly lonely spending Valentine’s Day single. Perhaps not as lonely as sitting silently in a restaurant opposite someone whose touch now makes you shudder, but still lonely. 

AGAINST: The empty, isolating sex after an evening of pink raspberry truffles, insincere sentiments on cards and rosé champagne might put you off relationships forever. 

FOR: Perhaps your partner’s really splurged on something fantastic, like a weekend in the Cotswolds with a balloon trip, and maybe that will turn your loathing back to love. 

AGAINST: Or your partner could be hoping that you’ve splashed out on a romantic weekend in the Lakes. Both your faces will fall when you realise you’ve just got each other the same M&S chocolates, and the resentment will turn into the most vicious row you’ve ever had. 

FOR: If you end it now, then it’s possible you could go the whole of 2020 without having even one shag. And in a worst case scenario: the whole of the 2020s. 

AGAINST: You could break up cleanly now, like a person of principle with your self-respect intact. Then spend Valentine’s Day with your favourite internet pornography, and you could be seeing someone you actually like by Shrove Tuesday. 

CONCLUSION: Free chocolates though.