Britain reaches stage where it's just wearing a f**king duvet

THE UK is only days into a second lockdown and has already reached the point where it is just walking around wearing a f**king duvet.

Enormous padded coats, called duvet coats because even marketing executives cannot be arsed lying anymore, are the key fashion trend for the season and a sad indictment of almost everything.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’ve got one. I wear it at the freezing cold bus stop, watch Friends on my phone and pretend I’m at home in bed.

“It hides my jogging trousers and fleece which are basically my day pyjamas, so now even leaving the house is like staying on the sofa under a duvet in front of Netflix. It makes the whole world a sickie.

“What else should I wear? A pencil skirt and heels, when there aren’t any bars or shops or people? F**k that. I’m wearing a duvet.”

Fashion editor Lucy Parry said: “The duvet coat is the look everyone’s wearing this year, teamed with a floral facemask, a hollow-eyed stare and the scent of aimless, drifting despair.

“Next season’s look? There is no next season. This is it, forever.”

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Five lockdown cocktail ideas if you're completely f**king desperate

NEED a stiff drink but have nothing to hand as the next supermarket delivery slot is March 2021? Here are some emergency cocktails you can create with odd items you’ll find kicking about the house.

DIY Mojito

White rum, mint, lime and soda is a big ask when the cupboards are bare. Instead, grab your cocktail shaker and add a slug of white spirit, a tablespoon of sugar, another of mint sauce and top up with tap water. It’ll give you a lovely buzz, until you go blind.

Bloody Hideous Mary

Tomato juice, Tabasco and a stick of celery? No chance. Instead, mush up a tin of plum tomatoes, sprinkle with cayenne pepper and garnish with anything remotely green from the fridge, including mould. Add vodka until you stop crying.

Pornstar Martini

A Pornstar Martini is usually passion fruit and vodka topped up with champagne, but that’s far too elaborate for lockdown. Instead, pour the dregs from every bottle in your booze cupboard into your fanciest glass, stir, and sip slowly whilst watching Debbie Does Dallas.

Builder’s Iced Tea

A Long Island Iced Tea requires vodka, rum, gin and tequila, which is clearly out of the question. Instead, fill a mug with whatever booze you have to hand and chuck a tea bag in. Wait 20 minutes until it tastes really horrible, then serve over ice you’ve chipped off the back of your freezer.

Deconstructed Pina Colada

Once considered a bit naff, this refreshing blend of pineapple, coconut and rum has made a real comeback. Sadly, you won’t be able to get any of those items at the corner shop, so improvise with a can of Lilt, a Bounty and some lighter fluid. Add a cocktail umbrella for a fun kitsch touch before quickly passing out.