Calling you her best friend: Terrifying red flags to look out for in female friendships

HAVE you just become friends with another woman? Worried that she might be a psychopath? Here are the five warning signs that you should look out for.

Calling you her best friend

The idea of ‘best friends’ is reserved for small children and possessive monsters who will constantly ask why she wasn’t invited to your nan’s 60th after only knowing you for two weeks. Avoid.

Asking if you want to go on holiday

Be wary of any woman who wants to go through the ordeal of a ‘girls’ trip’ even though no one’s getting married/divorced/having a baby. Pretend your passport is out of date and never get it renewed.

Referring to you as ‘girlie’, ‘dear’ or ‘hon’

Anyone the same age as you who insists on calling you ‘sweetheart’ or other awkwardly pally terms is a guaranteed bunny boiler. Start calling her ‘ma’am’ and see how she likes it.

Texting you all the time

Every friendship needs room to breathe – if she can’t go a weekend without asking where you and what you’re up to and if you like this shade of lipstick it’s time to call it quits.

‘Jokingly’ fancying your dad

If she jokingly refers to your portly old dad as a ‘silver fox’, steer well clear. She’s going to find a way to be in your life, even if that means becoming your step-mum.

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The six worst school sports memories of your childhood

EVERYONE loves the Olympics when you can watch it on telly with a glass of wine and a pizza. But do you remember the trauma of actually doing sport at school? Here are the low points.

Cross-country running

Just a gruelling yomp across fields in bad weather, with none of the fun of football, netball or table tennis. It would have done wonders for your overall fitness, if it hadn’t put you off running and jogging for life.

Sports that almost maimed someone

Surprisingly, the girly-sounding sport of hockey was ideal for this. Fancy losing some teeth or an eye due to someone taking a high backswing and hitting you in the face? Hockey’s your game. Also good for accidentally slamming the ball at head-height and painful shin injuries. It’s no wonder girls who went to public school are so tough.

Survival swimming

Bronze, Silver and Gold Survival medals were beloved of any school in the 80s. To replicate the feeling of actually drowning you had to swim in pyjamas. However many a rubber brick was saved from a watery grave.

Playing exclusively in goal

Nothing says ‘loser’ like being picked last and spending an hour in goal, shuddering on a chilly football pitch while all the other players were having fun further up the field. Then you got roundly slagged off for letting a goal in while getting no childhood exercise whatsoever.

Boxing

Relatively rare in state schools, but traumatic. Why not smash your own friends’ faces in? It’s worth noting that boxing was the preferred sport of the Kray Twins.

Track and field

Some of the most boring sports in existence. Apart from the ancient Greeks, has anyone ever given a toss about throwing a discus? It’s just a heavy frisbee. The triple-jump seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. Javelin throwing was more interesting, but you weren’t a Roman soldier and you couldn’t aim it at the school bully who’d hassle you for being a member of Computer Club.

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